Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Smarter Than I Credit Myself to Be (Insert Smart-Ass comment here)

So after spending some time reading the "Eat This Not That" Books, and researching online, I realized I really didn't learn anything that I didn't already know about restaurant eating.  I already know when eating pasta to avoid the creamy rich alfredo and instead go for a tomato based saucey goodness.  I know that if I'm going to eat a burger to probably skip the cheese, mayo, bacon and bun and I won't do total damage to my waistline (even better, opt for veggie burgers, yum.) Deserts that include whipped cream are just adding "air" fat, and everything that is deep fried is probably guaranteed to be on the "no-no" list.  Always substitute fries for steamed vegetables or a fruit cup, and there's almost no sauce out there that can come guilt free (especially butter on bread).

What I did learn, is I DO have intuition about eating at a restaurant.  Yes, I am still learning, and yes I do make errors, but its not due to a faulty knowledge foundation.  How was I suppose to know the Shrimp Fajita's at Champps were much worse for you than the Steak Fajita's?  I didn't, but I learned, and now I know!  Life marches on with a bigger knowledge foundation. 

Piada yesterday: I didn't know how much olive oil was used in the sauce, but I did know that choosing fresh veggies over steak, cheese, and creamy sauce was going to slice calories out of my meal without taking away from fullness.  In conclusion, stop beating myself up over the fact I can't get an accurate point count!  Use my best judgement, listen to my stomach, and the worse that happens is I lose weight slower.  That's the bottom line. I'm making the conscious decision to better my eating and weight loss habits.  I'm willing to bet results will follow...  






Monday, August 29, 2011

I'm Just Going to Eat the Cookie

After about 15 minutes I said f#%^ it, I'm just going to eat the damn chocolate chip cookie.

What got me to this point?  Lets Tarantino it.

For the past 3 weeks I have been avidly counting my weight watchers points to the last calorie.  Every bonus point has been recorded and every exercise point accounted for.  Don't get me wrong, it has been working, and I can feel a flatter, fitter stomach forming.  But what I didn't anticipate is it has added a whole new stress to my life in situations where I DON'T know the calories, fat and fiber.  In fact I forced a friend to change our dinner plans Friday night because I freaked out that I couldn't find the nutrition information for particular restaurant.  My fear was I would accidentally eat a 35 point meal (I did that once at Champps, but not a surprise seeing as we practically deep fry our healthiest items in butter) and instantly ruin everything I worked for the past week.

The fact is I don't have the intuition about food and restaurants to yet cope with these situations.  I pretty much assume if its not grilled chicken and steamed veggies, I'm shooting myself in the foot.  In high school I didn't do this to myself! Even in the midst of the eating disorder I found out that eating the Ranch Wrap at Champps or the Chicken Faja Salad with its deep fried shell (scuse my server slang on food items, habit) and not throwing it up would not hurt my numbers on the scale.  I can even remember thinking wanting to go to Champps because the numbers would not be reflected otherwise.  I come to find out I was eating 35-50 point meals?! Where's the sense in that!  Even worse than restaurants... I came across my first party social situation on Sunday in which a buffet of food was sat before me and I mentally made note I was going to track the points.  What I ate:


1 8 oz glass Apple Cider
3 Shrimp Cocktail with a small tip of Cocktail sauce
1/2 cup *guesstimation* cornbread stuffing
1 cup *guesstimation* broccoli salad
1 slice pork (trust me, small)
A plethora of raw veggies
And for dessert a slice of Angel Food Cake with fresh fruit (Pretty sure I've researched its fairly healthy)

Trying to mentally add up my points and knowing I was near and or over my daily 23 instantly turned my brain against me.  It was decided right then and there I was done eating for the day.  No ifs, and's or buts, I had burned  my points for the day.  Again, where's the sense in that?  I didn't know that I was about to get a rocking workout serving that night, and even going to successfully do a 5 mile run after.  I tried to be rational and say if my stomach's hungry I will eat dinner, knowing damn well I would not follow through.  And although I wasn't overly hungry at the end of the day, I compromised with my boday and ate a 2 point granola bar while watching my favorite Sunday night show. 

Sure enough the same stress crept on me today... I went out to eat with some fellow co-workers at Piada but had no idea what I was getting into nutrition wise.  I settled on an angel hair pasta bowl with all veggies and a spicy sauce, and said it couldn't be more than 14 points, so I'd call it a day.  I finished, worked out for 45 minutes (not because I felt I had to but because its on my race training schedule for today), and headed home.  Alas, what greeted me at the door was not only my loyal Puggle Brutus, but fresh baked chocolate chip cookies as well (Thanks live in Fiance, I have a wedding dress to fit into, no delicious suprises!).  The problem was, I declared at Piada I was done eating for the day, I had to stick to it, right?

Not if I could confirm through the powers of Google I had not eaten all my points for the day!  I quickly took to the computer and searched, searched, and searched for 15 minutes for what I had eaten at Piada and how it was going to take a tole on my weekly points.  All the while Chocolate Chip cookies are beckoning me from the stove.  By the time I failed on the 14th website we get to the beginning of the story... I finally said f#%^ it, and just ate the damn chocolate chip cookie.

No, its not going to effect my weekly bonus points.  No I'm not going to punish myself for it tomorrow.  Yes, I worked out 45 minutes so I know I earned at least 4 points somewhere, and that's without including yesterday's hour long run.  I am just going to eat the cookie, and enjoy every bit of its chocolatey goodness.  I don't want to be a slave to this weight watchers system because I don't want to count points forever.  I don't want to stress when I can't control every nutritional fact going into my mouth.  I picked weight watchers because I felt it overall would improve my eating habits by teaching portion control and smart choices.  I can't let my mind take over and run the system... that's just starting new bad habits!

My goal for this week:  Research how to eat smart in restaurants when there is no nutrition information available.  I have the "Eat This Not that Survival Restaurant Guide." Maybe its time to start using helpful resources at hand and not using a brain with its crazy ideas about skipping dinner...

Plus I'm glad I've come to this realization before the Holiday's... It would be diet suicide to try and count points Thanksgiving Day.  I plan on doing exactly what I did with the cookie.  Enjoying the time I have with it, as well as the gym time that follows.

My Delicious Chocolaty Foe, Hot from the Oven.



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The First Day.

Disclaimer.  I have been talking about vomiting and puke for the past 7 years and it no longer really phases me to do so.  When you've put yourself through some of the situations I have you  realize when you begin puking in essence you throw your dignity up with it.  I really don't use a filter for this post for this is about the physical beginnings of Ed.   No pressure what so ever to read beyond this paragraph, because I can see from an outside source how this could just be nasty.

I actually claimed to have an eating disorder before it actually happened.  The problem was I really liked a guy, and I had a bit of damsel in distress going on.  I figured maybe if he felt sorry for me and my problems, maybe he would like me more.  In retrospect, it seems like a really stupid idea.  None the less, at 16 years old after a Warped Tour concert I was sitting at a park with my two best guy friends.  We were sipping on 3 dollar vodka and somehow the topic of messed up lives got brought up.  My one friend, "J" knew that I had been struggling with depression and self image but "D" did not.  Feeling overly confident from the vodka I told them both what I was feeling, and that I had started puking in an attempt to get some weight off.  This was a Tuesday night.

By Sunday, this was a reality.  I had spent all day at my Aunt's house eating junk, but for the most part enjoying the company of my family.  No feelings attached to weight, or food, or anything else of the matter.  It was after we left my Aunt's that my dad and sisters decided to meet my mom and some family friends at the pool where a cookout had been planned.  I drove separate because I probably intended to meet "D" after.   I wasn't that hungry when we got to the pool because I was still full from a day of junk, but before me sat so many food items that I just couldn't say no to.  I couldn't help myself, I ate, and ate, and ate until I decided I needed to leave the pool.  I hadn't heard from "D" so I drove back to my house where I had it to myself.  I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about all I had eaten and couldn't imagine getting on the scale the next day and seeing the results.  Looking back here is the pivotal moment in my life where Ed entered in, this is the moment where I took matters into my own hands and never looked back.  Remembering what I had told the boys that past Tuesday, I decided to give puking a whirl.  I sat by my toilet and for the next 30 minutes attempted to get all my dinner to come up.  It was hard.  Forcing myself to throw up was not as easy as I had anticipated.  Little bits would come up at a time after every few heaves and all I told myself was this wasn't good enough, my stomach had to be empty.  It hurt, my stomach was in pain, but in the end I got a feeling I didn't expect... satisfaction.  I expected relief, knowing that the scale wouldn't show the damage I had done with dinner, but Satisfaction?  By emptying my stomach my body would have to get its nutrition elsewhere, by principal, it would have to lose weight.  Could what I did really jump start my weight loss goals?  That was August 22, 2004: I weighed approximately 173 pounds.

By May 27, 2005 I weighed 124.  And so my battle with addiction began...

Monday, August 22, 2011

The First Time in 7 Years...

Its hard to imagine that 7 years ago today, I began my relationship with Ed.  7.  Sixteen years old.  It just doesn't seem so long ago, that a girl, desperate to not put on any more weight decided  to take measures into her own hands.  A girl, so tired of feeling ugly, and unworthy, and fat, decided the only way would be to start an addictive behavior that would shape the rest of her life.  An addictive behavior that would shape how she saw herself, her mood, and her accomplishments, based on numbers, and jean sizes. 

It's scary that I have done so many great things with my life and they all seemed insignificant when I would admit to myself I was still under the control of an Eating Disorder.  I graduated college, I earned a masters degree, I became a great teacher, I found a husband, all while telling myself I needed to lose more weight and that's when I would finally be happy.  It was finally when I put my eating disorder in check (on my terms, and when I was ready to kick Ed to the curb) that I realized how easier life was without it. 

This blog has me slightly more emotional than I expected.  For that reason I'm going to break the story of the development of Ed into several parts.  Something I held on to so tightly, and for so long, just doesn't seem right to throw it together in one blog.  Like it or not this has been a dominating factor in my life, and I intend to do it justice. 

For the first time in 7 years I haven't looked at today as a failure, as another year under the control of an eating disorder.  Today is a celebration.  It's the first year in 7 that I haven't been a slave to my finger, but rather in control of my life and my eating habits. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

One of those Days...

There is no doubt in my mind emotions are strongly attached to eating habits.  When I'm stressed, I eat.  When I'm celebrating, I eat.  When I'm bored, I eat.  But when I'm upset, I don't. Upset has been an emotion that has crept up on me these last few days.  Now, while there is no rhyme or reason to what necessarily brought these emotions on, one thing that is clear to me is that it is having a significant effect on my appetite.  In that, there is none.  It has literaly been a fight with my body to consume more than 10 points in the past two days.  By the end of dinner-time yesterday, I had consumed 5 points.  By the end of dinner-time tonight, I had consumed 14. I told myself this is a redflag path, and having so little points in a day is going to mess with my head.  I would hate for my brain to start telling my body its okay to eat so little. In essence that sends me to the other end of the eating disorder spectrum (which was the beginning of this whole debacal 7 years ago and was the gateway drug to bulimia).  I physically forced myself to eat a 15 point snack at 11:45 last night, and just finished a 6 point snack to gain some ground for today. I know what will happen when I don't eat and I will not get a high from depriving myself of food. Good for me? Right?  What now has me blogging is that I'm guilt tripping myself, and I'm just flat out upset.  I guess the times can't always be good.       

Although I am no where near a diagnosable doctor, part of me believes at one point in my life I should have looked into being diagnosed with depression.   There isn't anything that really could have brought this feeling on.  I came off a great weekend, haven't seen the scale in a few weeks, and was really happy with the way things were going.  And then, bam, freight train, I suddenly am looking for excuses to feel blue, and can't think of a reason to put food in a belly that's not hungry.  I honestly don't know what's harder... keeping down food that doesn't want to be there?  Or putting food down that doesn't want to be there? 

I live to fight another day, but I hope for better days then these. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Pushing Past the Guilt

It was a common tale when Ed and I were at our strongest.  I would try really really hard to be healthy, make right decisions, and eat properly.  The problem was, the second I reached for a cookie (an average of about130 calories), or something cheesy, or even deep-fried, it was all downhill from there.  I guilted myself and told myself eating it was a bad choice, and therefore it had to come up.  

Although not quite on the same plane anymore (after nearly two months sober), these feelings of guilt are coming back.  What I'm struggling with now is how the weight watchers system takes into account exercise points.  Essentially what it comes down to is based on your weight and how intense your workout is, you gain points back depending on how long you conducted the activity.  For example, something low, like mowing the lawn for 45 minutes, earns me 1 point back.  But something more strenuous, like my 5 mile run on Monday for 47 minutes, earned me 6 points back.  Where the guilt comes in is when I "cash" these points.  According to weight watchers I'm only suppose to have between 22-24 points a day.  On days where I do my 5 mile run though, I'm allowed to have up to 30 points a day.  By eating 30 points, though, my mind is telling me something is wrong and I did something bad, hence the guilt begins to pile on.  When I topped my daily allotted points last night after dinner I still had a late night snack that wasn't in any way shape or form healthy.  I immediately regretted it, and made all these promises to myself how I would fix it the next day.   But realistically, if I'm in my weekly allotted points, what am I doing wrong and why do I need to fix it?

 In conclusion, I earned these points, but food for thought do I have to cash them in?  Maybe its better for my weight loss plan if I didn't?  Maybe I should just focus on the food points and the exercise points are just an extra push into my wedding dress.  The only thing I know for sure is I want the guilt after a chocolate chip cookie to go away.  I want to be happy with my decisions, not dwell on them. 

Monday, August 8, 2011

"And So Began my Love Affair with Water..."

Sorry for the huge gap in posting, I have been quite the jet setter these past three weeks and just finished a vacation to Torch Lake, Michigan.  While breathtakingly beautiful this past week was, it had no Internet available to blog.  I decided to throw creative caution to the wind this past week when it came to dieting.  (A.K.A, I didn't follow any rules and simply just enjoyed myself; fresh fish, steaks, guacamole, alligator, Cajun food, oh my!)  And to make sure these good feelings stick, I'm not allowed to weigh myself until next week after I've had a full week back of dieting and running training exercises.  In the mean time, back to weight watchers!

But that's not what's on my mind today, I know how to combat the back from vacation eating blues.  What is on my mind, after spending a week on a crystal clear lake, is water.  As I've been tracking what I've been eating, and working out, and drinking alcohol wise, one thing I have noticed is that my diet really does lack water.  It's not uncommon for me to skip water in general during a workout, and when I get home turn to a diet coke instead of a glass of water.  And as I'm trying to figure out why my scale wasn't working with me these past few weeks I realized, could it be I'm skipping out on something as basic as water?  So  I decided to research it a bit, and surprise surprise, drinking water has weight loss benefits!  Here's why... complements of http://www.mangosteen-natural-remedies.com/fat-loss-by-drinking-water.html

To lose fat, water is the key, apart from the proper diet choice and exercise. How does drinking water help in fat loss?
  • It curbs hunger: Water is a natural appetite suppressant. Insufficient fluid can lead to over eating. You brain does not differentiate between hunger and thirst. If there there is a slight dehydration the thirst mechanism may be mistaken for hunger and one may eat when the body is actually craving for water. In another word, when you think you are hungry, your body may in fact telling you that you are thirsty!
    As most food contains some water, if you don't drink enough water, you may be subconsciously driven to eat more to gain the necessary water supply and as a result, you gain more calories and more weight!
  • Water makes you feel full. Because it is filling and calorie free, water is part of the solutions when it comes to weight loss and maintenance. Water takes up room in your stomach, making you feel full. This means you’ll eat less and feel less hungry.
  • It replaces sugary drinks: A half-cup of fruit juice contains between 45 and 80 calories. Sodas, sugary drinks, shakes are all contain calories. By drinking them, you would be adding considerable number of calories. On the other hand water has zero calories. So, to replace sugary drinks and cut down on your calories, keep a glass of water in your hand and sip it instead of grabbing a mixed drink or any other type of drink.
  • Water boosts your metabolism. The findings are reported in the December issue, 2003 of The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism. The researchers Michael Boschmann, MD, and colleagues from Berlin's Franz-Volhard Clinical Research Center tracked energy expenditures among seven men and seven women who were healthy and not overweight. The subjects, after drinking approximately 17 ounces of water, increases the rate of burning calories by 30% within the time frame of 30-40 minutes.
  • If a person who increases his water consumption by 1.5 liters a day would burn an extra 17,400 calories, for a weight loss of approximately 5 pounds. Increase metabolism means increase the calorie burn and fat loss. This is how you can achieve fat loss by drinking water.
I mean, it's almost like, duh!  It boosts my metabolism and makes me feel full! So as Brad Paisley so elegantly sang last night at his concert.... "And So Began my Love Affair with Water..."  and here begin's my love affair with the H20 goodness.  Here's to hoping for that budge in the scale!


Torch Lake, Michigan