Another Benefit of Teaching

One of my favorite parts of being back in the teaching routine is that I'm back on a normal eating schedule.  When I first decided to give weight watchers a try I began right as I was starting student teaching.  As anyone who has survived student teaching knows you barley have time to sleep, let alone cram in an hour to workout.  Lets face it, I had bills to pay and every extra spare moment was going into keeping a roof over my head, not time on an elliptical.  While I found myself neck deep in lesson planning, grading papers, and other master's program gargan, the back of my mind told me I had a wedding figure image I wanted to achieve and a new bikini to buy for my up coming spring break to the Caribbean.  Needless to say, in January 2011 I put all my hopes and dreams into the weight watchers program.  Lucky for me, it did not disappoint.  Thanks to a well planned out academic school schedule boredom hunger rarely hit through the winter months (a time when I usually pack on what I call the 5 pound winter coat.)  Days would start with a high in fiber breakfast (usually costing me about 3 points), a well balanced 6 point packed lunch (seriously, lots of food, little points), a get me through the hell of grading papers snack (thank you 2 point skinny cow bars), and still enough points left to splurge a little on dinner with Chipotle, Panera, or Chinese if I chose.  I was feeling completely full and satisfied, and weight was falling off.  It wasn't until I got off this synchronized schedule that I realized how easily I gave into food boredom and how hard it was to stay within my points for the day.

That's why I am welcoming back with full arms the teaching schedule.  Yesterday was my first full day back and I couldn't be happier.  Not only am I waking up early enough to eat a hearty breakfast, I'm also packing myself healthy, nutritious (did I mention huge 6 point !!) lunches and my body feels great come 3 o'clock.  (Think about it, by 3 o'clock I've had less points and feel fuller with my healthy 2 meals than with my itty bitty 10 point kids pizza at Champps for lunch)  By dinner I have enough points to actually eat a meal both Chris and I can enjoy (last night fish filets with Alfredo noodles and carrots-- delicious) and not feel guilty when I opt for dessert.  And slowly, I'm building the willingness to actually go out and buy a battery for the scale to see the results (the thing died well over a month ago and I just thought that was for the best). Teaching is my profession for a reason.  Other than being good at it, it puts me on a schedule that so many different aspects of my life needs.  I dig it!

My healthy 6 Point Packed Lunch:  An Everything Bagel Thin with mustard and deli meat (usually turkey or ham).  A Weight Watchers brand string cheese, Fiber One Bar, and Granny Smith Apple!  The Fiber One bar usually is chocolate or caramel flavored to give my body the "something sweet" most of my meals lack, plus, it beats a cookie!

The Effectiveness of Will Power!

The realization last night?  This week is really going to test my willpower.  After nearly pummeling through my bonus points in one sit down serving of trivia (BBQ Chicken Fingers, Potstickers, Mile High Icecream, oh my waistline!) , I only have 8 bonus points left for the week... And I have 4 more days to go (which says something since I didn't even count Monday, a day I definitely killed all my points).   This includes the ever fearful weekend.  When I made the decision for weekly bonus points (weight watchers gives me a total of 35 per week) to renew on Mondays instead of Thursdays I knew I would be holding myself accountable all week long to guarantee I would have extra points for the weekend.  This is the first time I haven't let myself be accountable, so I am really putting the system to the test. 

Last night I immediately thought of giving up and just calling it a scratch week.  But where's the power in that?  I am stronger than this, I am in more control, and I'm not so addicted to food that I can't say no.  I'm just going to have to work a little harder this week and do a little more research.  I will get more satisfaction on Sunday saying, I did it! Then crumbling and falling and giving in to food.  Plus, next week is a long food week anyway.  I'm taking a mini vacation to Cincinnati, Ohio for Oktoberfest and do intend to drink beer and not be so point conscious.  A small break if you will.  I need to be realistic with myself.  If a small break is truly deserved, it needs to be earned.  Just like in running... you can't earn the downhill without the uphill.  

Tomorrow's Another Day

I know I said I wasn't suppose to go nuts on EVERY holiday but....

Yesterday I just needed a break from counting.  I've worked so hard for three weeks on checking that everything that goes in my mouth was okay and within the constraints of weight watchers that I finally just said no, I'm not counting today.  I had done really well the night before at my in-laws house so I decided a break was in order. I pretty much made this decision once I knew I had blown my points for the day at 11a.m (damnit delicious leftovers!).  At first my mind tried to tell my body I was done eating for the day, but then I told myself that was ridiculous and to just enjoy the day with food, and don't avoid labor day BBQs just because food was going to be present.  I decided not to deprive myself, so I didn't!  Part of fixing myself is how to cope with social situations and food, after all the holiday season is right around the corner and its time to start preparing. 

What helped ease my mind  was the decision I made to do a 6 mile run before I went over to the BBQ festivities.  Since it was a mid-sixty afternoon day I felt it was perfect weather to go outside and clear my head.  Knowing then once I got to the party that I had ran for almost 80 minutes prior I didn't feel so bad having a cookie or scoop of taco dip.  I even made a mental note to look at my plate.  Since doing weight watchers I've noticed I have drastically cut my portion size.  Prior to doing this system I would literally pile food onto my plate that I knew I liked.  Now, I scoop up what I feel is a portion, eat my share, then SIT and see if I'm satisfied or if I really do need seconds.  It's really helped me fight this addiction I've been battling with food.  I physically felt a difference yesterday.  I made a mental note to do the same thing once Thanksgiving rolls around, to go and do a long early morning run, then take eating slowly!

The other reason I decided to make it a "binge" day was to see if I was mentally capable of letting that much food sit in my stomach at this point in the journey without attempting to throw it up.  What a relief, it wasn't a battle at all.  I just kind of came to terms with I had eaten more than my fair share for the day, and I would wake up and be back on the bandwagon tomorrow.  Today was truly a new day, I woke up knowing I would be counting again and planned for a post-work elliptical session.  The labor day binge break even made it easier to jump back on the band wagon.  I told myself I had my breather, my break, my stress relief from counting (it was without a doubt, needed) and that the journey starts back up again today.  These breaks are not something I intend to plan (with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas) like I have in past diets.  In my diet mind, weekends never counted, it was an eating free for all, but I know that didn't help me or my waistline.  What I have learned about breaks is  know they are something I need to incorporate in my diet, just not so regularly.  It helps keep the diet train moving, without taking a sudden halt with Ed. 

I'm Just Going to Eat the Cookie

After about 15 minutes I said f#%^ it, I'm just going to eat the damn chocolate chip cookie.

What got me to this point?  Lets Tarantino it.

For the past 3 weeks I have been avidly counting my weight watchers points to the last calorie.  Every bonus point has been recorded and every exercise point accounted for.  Don't get me wrong, it has been working, and I can feel a flatter, fitter stomach forming.  But what I didn't anticipate is it has added a whole new stress to my life in situations where I DON'T know the calories, fat and fiber.  In fact I forced a friend to change our dinner plans Friday night because I freaked out that I couldn't find the nutrition information for particular restaurant.  My fear was I would accidentally eat a 35 point meal (I did that once at Champps, but not a surprise seeing as we practically deep fry our healthiest items in butter) and instantly ruin everything I worked for the past week.

The fact is I don't have the intuition about food and restaurants to yet cope with these situations.  I pretty much assume if its not grilled chicken and steamed veggies, I'm shooting myself in the foot.  In high school I didn't do this to myself! Even in the midst of the eating disorder I found out that eating the Ranch Wrap at Champps or the Chicken Faja Salad with its deep fried shell (scuse my server slang on food items, habit) and not throwing it up would not hurt my numbers on the scale.  I can even remember thinking wanting to go to Champps because the numbers would not be reflected otherwise.  I come to find out I was eating 35-50 point meals?! Where's the sense in that!  Even worse than restaurants... I came across my first party social situation on Sunday in which a buffet of food was sat before me and I mentally made note I was going to track the points.  What I ate:


1 8 oz glass Apple Cider
3 Shrimp Cocktail with a small tip of Cocktail sauce
1/2 cup *guesstimation* cornbread stuffing
1 cup *guesstimation* broccoli salad
1 slice pork (trust me, small)
A plethora of raw veggies
And for dessert a slice of Angel Food Cake with fresh fruit (Pretty sure I've researched its fairly healthy)

Trying to mentally add up my points and knowing I was near and or over my daily 23 instantly turned my brain against me.  It was decided right then and there I was done eating for the day.  No ifs, and's or buts, I had burned  my points for the day.  Again, where's the sense in that?  I didn't know that I was about to get a rocking workout serving that night, and even going to successfully do a 5 mile run after.  I tried to be rational and say if my stomach's hungry I will eat dinner, knowing damn well I would not follow through.  And although I wasn't overly hungry at the end of the day, I compromised with my boday and ate a 2 point granola bar while watching my favorite Sunday night show. 

Sure enough the same stress crept on me today... I went out to eat with some fellow co-workers at Piada but had no idea what I was getting into nutrition wise.  I settled on an angel hair pasta bowl with all veggies and a spicy sauce, and said it couldn't be more than 14 points, so I'd call it a day.  I finished, worked out for 45 minutes (not because I felt I had to but because its on my race training schedule for today), and headed home.  Alas, what greeted me at the door was not only my loyal Puggle Brutus, but fresh baked chocolate chip cookies as well (Thanks live in Fiance, I have a wedding dress to fit into, no delicious suprises!).  The problem was, I declared at Piada I was done eating for the day, I had to stick to it, right?

Not if I could confirm through the powers of Google I had not eaten all my points for the day!  I quickly took to the computer and searched, searched, and searched for 15 minutes for what I had eaten at Piada and how it was going to take a tole on my weekly points.  All the while Chocolate Chip cookies are beckoning me from the stove.  By the time I failed on the 14th website we get to the beginning of the story... I finally said f#%^ it, and just ate the damn chocolate chip cookie.

No, its not going to effect my weekly bonus points.  No I'm not going to punish myself for it tomorrow.  Yes, I worked out 45 minutes so I know I earned at least 4 points somewhere, and that's without including yesterday's hour long run.  I am just going to eat the cookie, and enjoy every bit of its chocolatey goodness.  I don't want to be a slave to this weight watchers system because I don't want to count points forever.  I don't want to stress when I can't control every nutritional fact going into my mouth.  I picked weight watchers because I felt it overall would improve my eating habits by teaching portion control and smart choices.  I can't let my mind take over and run the system... that's just starting new bad habits!

My goal for this week:  Research how to eat smart in restaurants when there is no nutrition information available.  I have the "Eat This Not that Survival Restaurant Guide." Maybe its time to start using helpful resources at hand and not using a brain with its crazy ideas about skipping dinner...

Plus I'm glad I've come to this realization before the Holiday's... It would be diet suicide to try and count points Thanksgiving Day.  I plan on doing exactly what I did with the cookie.  Enjoying the time I have with it, as well as the gym time that follows.

My Delicious Chocolaty Foe, Hot from the Oven.

Pushing Past the Guilt

It was a common tale when Ed and I were at our strongest.  I would try really really hard to be healthy, make right decisions, and eat properly.  The problem was, the second I reached for a cookie (an average of about130 calories), or something cheesy, or even deep-fried, it was all downhill from there.  I guilted myself and told myself eating it was a bad choice, and therefore it had to come up.  

Although not quite on the same plane anymore (after nearly two months sober), these feelings of guilt are coming back.  What I'm struggling with now is how the weight watchers system takes into account exercise points.  Essentially what it comes down to is based on your weight and how intense your workout is, you gain points back depending on how long you conducted the activity.  For example, something low, like mowing the lawn for 45 minutes, earns me 1 point back.  But something more strenuous, like my 5 mile run on Monday for 47 minutes, earned me 6 points back.  Where the guilt comes in is when I "cash" these points.  According to weight watchers I'm only suppose to have between 22-24 points a day.  On days where I do my 5 mile run though, I'm allowed to have up to 30 points a day.  By eating 30 points, though, my mind is telling me something is wrong and I did something bad, hence the guilt begins to pile on.  When I topped my daily allotted points last night after dinner I still had a late night snack that wasn't in any way shape or form healthy.  I immediately regretted it, and made all these promises to myself how I would fix it the next day.   But realistically, if I'm in my weekly allotted points, what am I doing wrong and why do I need to fix it?

 In conclusion, I earned these points, but food for thought do I have to cash them in?  Maybe its better for my weight loss plan if I didn't?  Maybe I should just focus on the food points and the exercise points are just an extra push into my wedding dress.  The only thing I know for sure is I want the guilt after a chocolate chip cookie to go away.  I want to be happy with my decisions, not dwell on them. 

Good Old Fashion Frustration

Frustrated.  Actually, that's an understatement.  I am more than frustrated.  I know I feel like I am beating a dead horse but I am sick and tired of being in a stalemate with my scale.  I KNOW the number don't necessarily show the work I have been doing but for Christ's sake, it's been a month and the number hasn't budged down since I started this blog.  There is nothing left for me to feel except frustration, anger, and a scale that's lucky it hasn't been thrown out the window yet.  I'm genuinely asking for help here: what am I doing wrong?!

Since departing ways with Ed I:

1.  Eat breakfast, almost daily, therefore jump starting my metabolism.  And I make sure I put a piece of fruit in it (example this morning: plain bagel and banana, yesterday: blueberries, cantaloupe, plain bagel)
2.  Gave up beer.  This worked for Michelle's wedding, so I know it can't be hindering the process.
3.  Work out 5-6 days a week, incorporating strength training and running 2x-3x's longer than I have been able in my entire life (that's 4 to 6 miles a run! 40+ minutes on a treadmill!) I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and the working out has probably contributed to this lack of weight loss, but come on, give me something!
4.  Made conscious decisions when I eat.... I hold the cheese, leave the bun off, skip the bacon, and among other things even order vegetarian instead of red meat (I love my bacon burgers, people!)
5.  Cut back on the diet coke, and trust me, not easy. 

I just don't know what I am doing wrong.  I told myself the scale's probably about to budge... but that was a month ago!! At this rate I'm genuinely afraid I will not reach my goal weight... and that's 11 months away! 

Phew... okay, there's my rant and vent.  But that wasn't the whole point of this post.  A part of this journey is realizing when I have a problem, I need to come up with a healthy solution.  The only thing I can think of at the moment is that I really have strayed away from doing weight watchers.  I guess I told myself if I'm running 3-6 miles every other day and working out on the days off, I could give myself some slack when counting points.  I'm not saying I'm consuming 30+ points a day, but I know that I'm not keeping as good of track as I should be.  So,  this week as a trial basis, I'm going back on weight watchers full time.  That's back to counting, back to measuring, and yes, back to counting alcohol.  Maybe this time next week I will be happy to say I've found a solution to the problem.

A bonus to all of this is that even though I'm frustrated as hell, Ed hasn't found a way back into the picture.  That's definitely something I haven't always been able to say.  This truly is the end of my rope with frustrations, but the thought of puking doesn't even cross my mind.  At this point, the idea of chucking up my food disgusts me.  Perhaps this is like childhood asthma, maybe I've finally grown out of it.  No matter what though,  it's nice to say it's no longer an option, let alone even a choice. 

Surviving the Salad Bar

One part of my diet that has come as the most shock to me is that I get these uncontrollable cravings for fresh produce.  (Sidebar, I once ate a can of green beans and only a can of green beans for lunch because it sounded tasty, that was a humorous dieting low for me.) As well as one aspect of the eating disorder that still pulls at me is the desire to eat large quantities of food just because it's in front of you.  So today, I did just that for lunch, I combined both. 

But, before you judge, here's how I have learned to curb the desire for the food to come back up.  I literary ate a POUND of salad from the local chain grocery store.  While at the store I quickly realized how out of control, and how fattening a salad bar can get.  My healthy intentions were suddenly being tempted by mounds of blue cheese, bacon, croutons, and  a variety of candied nuts my fiance suggested I should add  to my "salad"  that would quickly rival a McDonald's Big Mac meal.  Hell, even one of those items has the potential to crash a super healthy intention.  So what I did instead was pile on what I knew was good for me.  I knew that all veggies on the Weight Watchers points system (I follow the old system, not the knew points Plus system) were 0 points so I added piles of mixed greens, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, red onions, broccoli, mushrooms and my ever favorite, banana peppers.  The result?  A delightful lunch that left me feeling full and guilt free.

The large salad left me able to enjoy some left over pizza I took home with me from the night before and  Bing bang boom, I'm full, HAPPY, and have probably only used 10 of my 23 points for the day.  When I got home I found this helpful Salad Bar tool online that lets you create a salad and then gives you the nutritional information at the end.  The only downfall is it leaves a lot of ingredients out that are on a typical salad bar (mushrooms) and some that I just can't live without (banana peppers).  But, until I find a better tool it is quite helpful. 

Happy Salad-baring! (I also used Fat-Free Ranch Dressing- 1 Weight Watcher point)