Finding that Little Push

Who made the dumb idea of making 128 research papers due the week of finals? This new teacher, right here.  Needless to say I am up to my eyeballs in 12 point, poor written front.  Flat out? I'm exhausted. To boot I called in sick Tuesday clocking my first sick day of the year and am still recovering from whatever odd end stomach bug I've caught from the students. It's made it increasingly hard to find the drive to work out this week.

Walking out of school yesterday I had clocked 6 hours of sleep the night before and spent all day playing referee to a review jeopardy game that got out of control.  I had packed gym clothes to go for an afternoon workout, but mentally I just wasn't feeling it.  I figured what would be the harm in going straight home? I could probably hit the gym that night after a good afternoon catnap. I knew the second I got in the car if I went home, the gym wasn't happening.  I breathed to myself this is worth it, I know your tired now, but on Friday and during the summer your hard work will feel greater than any feeling a nap could conjure. A "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" kind of peptalk.  Whatever it was I was telling myself, it worked. I went to the gym, pushed through 45 minutes on the elliptical, found the energy to go to the store and stock up on yummy healthy meals, and get to bed at a decent time. All in all, the push was worth it. 

Same story today, dead tired, wanting to crash at home, but I found that if I don't hit the gym after school my chances of actually going greatly decrease.  I need to continually tell myself this sacrifice is worth it, this process will feel greater at the finish line than anything ever will. I never want again that feeling I had 2 weeks ago. I don't want that desperation and devastation back, I want success. What I need to focus on is the end goal, and breathing.

Lets hope the scale tomorrow rewards me for this hard work. As much as I'd hate to admit this, that number is what makes it all worth it.

Fingers crossed -K

PS. There has been an increasingly annoying ad on the radio for Hass Avocados- the one where the chick makes tuna salad substituting mayo for avocado- you knows its creamy and buttery, and oh! She puts walnuts in it, then her boss eats it and she lays over like a dog and goes out and buy lunch instead of blowing up on the ass who stole her lunch. (What can I say, I'm food aggressive) I hate that commercial, but for whatever reason it got to me in the store yesterday. I tried avocado tuna salad today for lunch- not worth it. Last time I trust sketchball marketing food adds! Just putting out a public service announcement for the good of society! :)

Killer Spooky Parties

As much as I would love to admit I was good the entire weekend with this whole diet thing, that would be an utter lie. Friday night I was excellent, yesterday, arguably excellent, and Saturday- I just blew it.

The event was a halloween party hosted by one of my very good friends.  Good company, and even better (less than healthy) food.  We're talking candy, cheese based dips, and enough guacamole I might as well of just had the  bowl to myself.  As weak as my attempts were to keep it under control halfway through the evening I decided its somewhat ok I did not. I was very conscious of the amount of food I was eating and as much as I fought myself on continuing not to gorge myself at the snack table, part of me just said f* it, enjoy yourself, and stop being a slave to this whole food thing. 

I'm failing to comprehend whey the door won't open Olmec! Me & my friend Ryan rocking out our childhood dream.

Our First Halloween as a old married couple. Notice the sudden lack of slutty attire? My Husband's less than happy.

It kind of helped. I paid for it at the gym yesterday. I guess that's where I'll give myself kudo's points. I was in sweats, feeling awful, and not really in the mood to move, but still climbed out of bed and knocked out a 45 minutes, 650 some calorie workout. And still ate my required points for the day. Old me would not have forced herself to eat the points, rather sit and sulk over too many points the day before. New me wants to do this correctly, again.

While at the gym I had an interesting realization, the is the first time in attempting to get this weight thing under control I'm not under a deadline. I'm not a bridesmaid, a bride, or trying to fit in a tiny bikini by spring break. It's literally me and time.  This has both positives and negatives to it... first off, it doesn't hold me accountable to anything. If I don't lose the weight, what's the harm? I suppose nothing.  On the other hand, though, this doesn't put the added pressure on me while the deadline is caving in to freak out and suddenly drop a bunch of weight through unhealthy measures.   In the long run will this be more helpful to my success? I guess we'll have to tune in and see. Ideally, yes, I would like this extra packed on fall coat off sooner rather than later, but its nice to know if I don't succeed by (insert random important deadline here) my diet world doesn't have to end.


I guess that's all for today. I have the terrible feeling I've caught the stomach flu that's going around my school... just what I want with 128 papers to grade and it being finals week.  At least its easy to diet when all you can keep down is chicken broth and crackers!

Wrap Up Week 1

I was hit with a harsh reality this morning. That number I saw was not a miscalculated phase based on one bad night of over eating, or a vacation of indulgences, that number I saw last week was my actual weight. Bummer. The reason I know this? My arch enemy, the scale, only budged slightly. I have truly never been more upset to see a weight loss when it confirmed that I really did pack on that much weight in 2 months.

Here's the thing though... last week I could not come to terms with the girl staring back at me weighed that much. Literally, I thought it was unrealistic. I hadn't seen that much change to my body, my clothes appeared to be fitting fine, and I thought at most I may have packed on 5 pounds. Where was this extra 20 being put?! You’re probably wondering why the hell I even am bothering if I was happy with my appearance. The bottom line, I am a slave to numbers. I admit it, I know it, and I really don't have any concrete plan for fixing it. I've been that way my entire life, whether it’s the scale, grades, GPA, or my bank account if a number doesn't reflect what I want to see I lose it. Obviously the most daunting to my success is the scale. As much as I would love to admit I can overcome my obsession, I don't see this happening anytime in the near future. My solution? Embrace it, and work on health habits to make sure when I do see a number I love, it sticks around.

Ok, now to the weekly wrap up, something I would like to spend more time focusing on each week. Pretty much what I will do is list the results of the week, the positives of the week, and the spaces for improvement. I'm attempting to add some logical improvement tips to this pity party I seem to be throwing myself.

The Bottom Line

-2.4 lbs

Positives of the Week:

1. Made it to the gym every day but Tuesday. Thinking of going today, which I can't even remember the last time I considered a gym day on a Friday.

2. Healthy eating out! Had a great sushi meal last night in which I really think I put the effort into making good choices. No mayonnaise based sauces or tempura deep fried for me! Filling, and as far as I know, really healthy! Also props for not ordering a drink when everyone else did. Water (and 1 diet coke) was fine for me!

3. Didn't have a break down in front of my students. Trust me, the week I had, this was a positive.

Goals for Improvement:

1. I ate a lot of salt this week, could that contribute to the bloated packed on feeling? Look to decrease salt this week.

2. Increase water intake. Yeah, I did better this week than in the last 3 months, but keep upping the ante. Water just cleanses all the junk out.

3. Research cream allergies. I'm noticing a trend when I eat anything cream based, including items that are supposedly "better" for you (zero fat sour cream, less calorie ice cream) and to boot I'm eating them within the suggested portions. The result, though, always seems to be added on weight in the morning. I read awhile back that sometimes when you have an allergy to a food (like eggs) it could actually contribute to weight gain. Not sure how solid the research is, so something to look into.

4. Enjoy the Weekend. Don't let this piss poor mood I've been in all week bring me down. I'm seeing great friends this weekend for a Halloween party, there is zero reason my mood should be trampled because I'm overwhelmed with a buffet of Halloween treats. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Have a Great Weekend!

-K



Another Whirl Around

My friends, it has been awhile. It's nothing against this blog, life just started to get in the way! It has been one rollercoaster of a year, and not even in a bad way! I've seen my best friend give birth to a beautiful baby girl, seen the love and support of family & friends gather around me for 2 wonderful bridal showers & a bachelorette party, took a once and a lifetime trip to Cancun with a good friend, married my best friend in the hands down best day of my life, and then followed it up with an over the top absolutely amazing honeymoon to Cabo San Lucas, and then accepted a long term teaching job at my alma mater fulfilling my dream of actually getting paid to do what I love, teach. I really have no excuses to complain about nothing.

Somewhere within all this joy, love and amazingness, darkness crept in though. It was an unexpected right hook into the gut last week when I finally decided to take what my scale had to say seriously. But let me back up first....

On my wedding day I was 2 pounds within my goal. For all intends and purposes, I had reached what I had set out to do. I was 2 pounds within eliminating the Freshman 15 and in my mind I was a success. Trust me, success had never felt sweeter. I'll admit I didn't always go about it in the best of ways. I fell off the wagon about Thanksgiving, but I wasn't a slave to ED like I had been in the past. More than anything I was giving into boredom, and just felt the need to let off steam with food, and "consequences." None the less, two days before my wedding nothing had felt better in the 18 month struggle than seeing all my hard work pay off. I was determined to eliminate the last 2 post wedding, and get on with my married life in a stable happy weight bubble. Boy, was I wrong.

I know why it screwed up. I started assuming the weight would stay off even though I wasn't tracking what I was eating, wasn't staying in the gym, and really over indulging in everything. I started playing "f**k f**k" games with the scale again to trick myself into believing I had only put on a pound or 3. Still happy, still content, still no consequences.

After 3 Oktoberfest weekends in a row of nothing but beer, fried food, and soft pretzels, I knew I had probably put on a little and needed to see what I should work for to get it off. AKA, in my mind one really hard work week at the gym and a couple stingy lunches should take care of that problem. What I saw instead unraveled 18 months of hard work in no less than 2 months. I WAS DEVISTATED. And I had to teach in less than 45 minutes. Nothing hits me harder than weight gain. I usually am able to bounce back from bad fights with my husband, disappointing time management, or other things that bring me down, but this is one thing that will instantly bring me to tears and rarely leaves without leaving my day in ruins. Last Friday was no exception. I knew it was time to take a change, again. It moments of weakness and desperation, I knew I had to turn somewhere. I feel friends and family get sick of this ramble, a been there done that with me kind of scenario. I just don't know what to do.

After a week of actually dedicating myself to the gym, eating well within my points, and even taking it pretty easy on the weekend as far as food goes, I still found zero success this morning. I'm in a rut, I'm trapped, and I'm afraid it’s going to take a darker turn for the worst. For whatever reason I logged onto this for the first time in almost a year and read the old me. The me who was determined, the me who took her frustrations and anger and hopes and dreams out through blogging. Maybe I had it right last year; maybe I need something to keep me accountable. If I feel my friends and family can't do that because I no longer want to bother them, then maybe it’s down to me to keep me accountable.

Let’s give this a whirl.... again!

Words of Wisdom

I stumbled upon this site tonight and it had some great words of wisdom.  I wanted to save the site, but more importantly I wanted to share some of the quotes I found.  They struck surprisingly close to home for me, maybe evoking similar emotions in others?


The #113 Rule of a Lady:  Even if you don't have the power to choose where you come from, you can always choose where to go from there.

The #108 Rule of a Lady:  Never let anyone disturb your composure, deter your accomplishment, or destroy your happiness.

The #111 Rule of a Lady:  Do not believe the things you tell yourself so late at night.  You are your own worst enemy.

The #120 Rule of a Lady:  You can only try your best.  And if they can't appreciate that, it's their fault, not yours.

The #137 Rule of a Lady:  Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it. 

The #146 Rule of a Lady:  The number on the scale is nowhere near as important as your health. 

The #167 Rule of a Lady:  The trick is to keep breathing. 

What other advice do you need to live by?!

xoxo-K

Just like That...

It was a process that took about 90 seconds yesterday.  Simple, easy, but enough to derail my self esteem and send me into a rut of depression I have yet to crawl out of since.  No, I didn't screw up, I simply saw 60+ pictures of myself in a short lapse of time and was crushed at the fact I didn't recognize the girl in the photos.  Whoever that girl was, it was not me, at least I don't want to come to terms with that was not me.  The girl who was working so hard these last 8 months to look so good in these pictures was missing.  The girl who had come to terms with the fact she didn't reach her goal weight because she looked in the mirror and felt good decided to take a hike.  She was not present, but a stranger certainly was.

I am aware every picture was not going to be perfect.  Some are candid, bad shots of everyone, and some are flat out bad angles. Hell, I even know those aren't the final copy.  I'm trying to tell myself I let a few bad ones be the center of my focus and it probably didn't allow my mind to process the good ones.  I'm trying to be angry at people who aren't me- the stylist at Limited for telling me a cropped off blazer looked good (even before pictures I was doubting it flattery,I was feeling big in the mirror, opposite of how I'd been feeling early that day in a form fitting blouse), my mom for following along, me for letting my judgement be clouded and making the (expensive) purchase.  Anything really to not feel hurt, depressed, and disappointed.  That's poison in my mind I just don't need.

I guess as the saying goes when you put something on a pedestal, the harder it falls.  I wish I hadn't put so much emphasis on these photo's in my mind...  Senior pictures turned out so well, please let these be an unexpected surprise too.  My sanity needs it, my self esteem needs it.  One thing for sure is this has been the kick in the ass to get me back in the gym full force.  No more messing around, I have a wedding I'm preparing for, naps after school are no longer going to keep me off a treadmill if I'm serious about reaching my goal. This isn't optional.  This is a success only plan.  I needed this post though, I needed to feel pain, I needed to cry.  I needed to know I can't feel this and now come to terms with it and move on. I need to know this isn't an end.

To the lighter side of things:

4 Months Today: 4 Months Stronger, Healthier (and on most days) Happier.  Go me. Go Success Journey.

Nothing to Update!

I swear I haven't forgotten about this little therapy outlet that is my blog, but for the last few weeks, things have been going great!  I haven't had a lot to blog about, and even the scale's been tipping in my favor!  The next step is keeping a healthy mindset and not rewarding my hard efforts with greasy, over the top, binges that will more than likely set me back a few days.  I know its (Saturday, Friday night, a holiday, a hard day after work, pick any excuse you like) but that doesn't mean I should derail my good work.

One task I know I need to start incorporating more of into my life is trips to the gym.  While I've been eating right, and not eating out nearly as much, I still need to get to the gym multiple days a week.  Exercise isn't always about losing weight, its a stress reliever, improves quality of life, and helps prevent diseases that could effect life expectancy.  Yes, I want to loose weight, but I need to form this relationship with the gym so I utilize its benefits after the goal has been accomplished.

Hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Saturday afternoon!