Just like That...

It was a process that took about 90 seconds yesterday.  Simple, easy, but enough to derail my self esteem and send me into a rut of depression I have yet to crawl out of since.  No, I didn't screw up, I simply saw 60+ pictures of myself in a short lapse of time and was crushed at the fact I didn't recognize the girl in the photos.  Whoever that girl was, it was not me, at least I don't want to come to terms with that was not me.  The girl who was working so hard these last 8 months to look so good in these pictures was missing.  The girl who had come to terms with the fact she didn't reach her goal weight because she looked in the mirror and felt good decided to take a hike.  She was not present, but a stranger certainly was.

I am aware every picture was not going to be perfect.  Some are candid, bad shots of everyone, and some are flat out bad angles. Hell, I even know those aren't the final copy.  I'm trying to tell myself I let a few bad ones be the center of my focus and it probably didn't allow my mind to process the good ones.  I'm trying to be angry at people who aren't me- the stylist at Limited for telling me a cropped off blazer looked good (even before pictures I was doubting it flattery,I was feeling big in the mirror, opposite of how I'd been feeling early that day in a form fitting blouse), my mom for following along, me for letting my judgement be clouded and making the (expensive) purchase.  Anything really to not feel hurt, depressed, and disappointed.  That's poison in my mind I just don't need.

I guess as the saying goes when you put something on a pedestal, the harder it falls.  I wish I hadn't put so much emphasis on these photo's in my mind...  Senior pictures turned out so well, please let these be an unexpected surprise too.  My sanity needs it, my self esteem needs it.  One thing for sure is this has been the kick in the ass to get me back in the gym full force.  No more messing around, I have a wedding I'm preparing for, naps after school are no longer going to keep me off a treadmill if I'm serious about reaching my goal. This isn't optional.  This is a success only plan.  I needed this post though, I needed to feel pain, I needed to cry.  I needed to know I can't feel this and now come to terms with it and move on. I need to know this isn't an end.

To the lighter side of things:

4 Months Today: 4 Months Stronger, Healthier (and on most days) Happier.  Go me. Go Success Journey.