Setting My Head Straight

Forewarning, this entry is a smorgasbord of events and ideas! Not my most coherent post, but all very valuable to me.

A sign of success is when you don't give in, even at your lowest.  I am proud to say I have not given in this week to my good friend ED (ED is a codename between my friends and I for an eating disorder, the personified version of an abusive boyfriend who makes awkward conversations in public socially acceptable).  There have been times my head has really not been screwed on straight, and I really just wanted to indulge. 

In fact, the steps were even laid for me last night.  Out to eat with some friends at our weekly trivia night I shared a plate of Chicken Nachos and a pitcher of Sangria's with my good friend as well as had a kids Sunday to myself.  To get an idea of the stress I put on my body, check out this menu !  I didn't even think it was possible to put triple digit fat content in items, but clearly I was wrong.  In weeks past I would consume such amounts of food and dispel it an hour later.  Just for the pure reason I didn't want to see the consequences of my actions on the scale.  But I knew what I got myself into last night, and knew I would have to deal with the consequences in a manner that still enabled me to get to my pedicure. 

So I decided today I was going to workout for an hour to cancel out last nights damage.  I wouldn't weep over what I had done, instead enjoy the food, company, and hit the gym a little longer the next day.  In the back of my mind, though, when I made this desicion I also decided food would not be a part of the plan.  But this isn't Kosher and just has red flags appearing all over the place!

How can I say I'm making progress if I'm deciding to starve myself the next day for eating too much the day before?  I can't even tell you how many times I did this to myself in years past that left me angry, bitter, and upset when I gave into the fact I was HUNGRY.  It's just another form of another eating disorder.  The good part is I recognized that this was NOT helpful, that my body needed to eat EACH day and instead had a great lunch after my 675 calorie workout that left me feeling full and satisfied. 

We ate at a health(iesh) breakfast diner called First Watch.  Maybe its just me, but this just LOOKS healthy.  The pictures shows what I ate:  3 egg omelet with avocado, salsa and bacon; fruit cup, and a dry English muffin with jelly.  For dinner I plan on making a large salad and will essentially call it a day! 

Quick! What does these pictures have in common?

Yes, they are all examples of beer.  But they are also examples of what I am giving up for the next year.  Today marks the one year point until I am a married woman and my year + dieting plan concludes.  Don't get me wrong, I love my beer.  But this is one sacrifice I feel I need to make to really kick start my weight loss plan.  I did this over the 09-10 school year for my best friends wedding, and had a lot of success.  But I didn't reach my goal weight.  So this time, and since it's MY wedding, I've decided to give up beer for an entire year.  Crazy?  or Commitment?  Time will tell.  

Food for thought:  I came across this article the other day and it really got me thinking:  Why are people uncomfortable sharing what they weight?  I, personally, am no different.  In fact, the only time I verbalize this number is after massive amounts of Captain and diet coke.  You've read my struggles with the scale, and what that struggle basically comes down to is the fear of a number.  But this article hit home, and really took the "scary" out of sharing this information.  I'll take the first baby step, although I'm not comfortable sharing my current weight, I will share my goal weight: 135.  One year and counting to reach that weight!

I could kill the scale.

Sorry for the lack of posts but due to my more than inconsistent internet access, this blog has been forced to take an undesired backseat. 

This week has been more than hard.  I'm trying really hard to ignore what my scale says, and partially its because I'm playing f*ck f*ck games with it.  By this, I step on the scale and see the number.  If I don't like the number, I balance on one foot slowly adding weight to the scale until I can get it to stop on a more appropriate number.  I repeat until I think I have my scale fooled, and the number looks better to me.  Is this productive towards weight loss? No. Does it make me happy? Yes.  But in the back of my mind I know it's only temporary because I have given myself a false, inaccurate reading of what I weight. 

I came to the self realization then that although I am far enough along in my recovery that I am capable of keeping a scale in my presence (something that took me almost 4 years to do, but more on that journey later) maybe I shouldn't be weighing myself everyday.  Maybe it would be healthier for my menal health (and less stressful on my emotional state) to simply weight myself once a week, maybe Thursdays before the weekend begins, or Monday's to hold me accountable for them.  This way, I don't guilt trip myself when I eat an extra serving of chips knowing that I could see it on the scale tomorrow.  Instead I'll focus on amping my workout, and it probably won't show the next week.  Stay tuned to see how this next realization works out.

My Love Hate Relationship

With the scale that is....

Here's pretty much what I felt like this morning and it is by far the most frustrating part of dieting.  You're doing EVERYTHING right and yet the scale just isn't showing you the results your looking for.  Even worse, the scale's saying you've made backwards progress.  Hurumph! What a bad start to my day. 
These are the cases I struggle with the most.  In the past if the scale wasn't giving me the glorification I believed I was entitled to I usually just let myself be happy and eat whatever and as much as I want.  Then it came up.  Talk about backwards progress! What I didn't realize is I was essentially restarting my metabolism every time this happened.  I'm not 17 anymore, my metabolism is not an Olympic runner. (It never was, but I definitely know it has slowed down.)  Every time I took such an action I was making it harder on my body to heal and as a result delaying the weight losing process. These are facts I've known quite sometime, so why as of three days ago was I still giving in?

This is where i decided I need goals.  Yeah losing weight and being healthy is great, but I needed something I could really hold onto, really make a promise to myself and reward myself when I kept it.  My long term obvious goal is to reach this magical number I've selected in my head that I want to weight for my wedding (it's actually my pre-college weight).  But I'm human, I like being spoiled, so how the hell am I suppose to hold on for a year?  Even looking "ideal" for my engagement pictures are not enough.  They are pictures, and although I want to look fabulous in them, they're not enough to hold as a reward.  So what I decided to do (and made this promise when I started this blog) is that if I held my promise to stay "healthy" until July 16 (the day we leave for our family vacation to Myrtle Beach) I will reward myself with a full blown pedicure, something that I rarely reward myself with except for special occasions.  This way, I treat myself, my body, and revel in the fact I DID IT. 

So what did I do today?  I saw a number that nearly drove me to tears and only triggered anger and frustration.  I threw a fit, I threw the scale.  But I did not give into old ways.  Instead I accepted the number, tried to make a realization why the number was there (probably muscle weight I've been gaining due to the fact I'm training for a 15K), did a 30 minute cycle workout, and made a healthier version of my favorite lunch.  Will the number be gone tomorrow? Who knows.  But at least I haven't jeopardized my pedicure, or my journey to success.

Surviving the Salad Bar

One part of my diet that has come as the most shock to me is that I get these uncontrollable cravings for fresh produce.  (Sidebar, I once ate a can of green beans and only a can of green beans for lunch because it sounded tasty, that was a humorous dieting low for me.) As well as one aspect of the eating disorder that still pulls at me is the desire to eat large quantities of food just because it's in front of you.  So today, I did just that for lunch, I combined both. 

But, before you judge, here's how I have learned to curb the desire for the food to come back up.  I literary ate a POUND of salad from the local chain grocery store.  While at the store I quickly realized how out of control, and how fattening a salad bar can get.  My healthy intentions were suddenly being tempted by mounds of blue cheese, bacon, croutons, and  a variety of candied nuts my fiance suggested I should add  to my "salad"  that would quickly rival a McDonald's Big Mac meal.  Hell, even one of those items has the potential to crash a super healthy intention.  So what I did instead was pile on what I knew was good for me.  I knew that all veggies on the Weight Watchers points system (I follow the old system, not the knew points Plus system) were 0 points so I added piles of mixed greens, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, red onions, broccoli, mushrooms and my ever favorite, banana peppers.  The result?  A delightful lunch that left me feeling full and guilt free.

The large salad left me able to enjoy some left over pizza I took home with me from the night before and  Bing bang boom, I'm full, HAPPY, and have probably only used 10 of my 23 points for the day.  When I got home I found this helpful Salad Bar tool online that lets you create a salad and then gives you the nutritional information at the end.  The only downfall is it leaves a lot of ingredients out that are on a typical salad bar (mushrooms) and some that I just can't live without (banana peppers).  But, until I find a better tool it is quite helpful. 

Happy Salad-baring! (I also used Fat-Free Ranch Dressing- 1 Weight Watcher point)

I want to be a success story

A toast... to Day 1 sober.

It seems every time I try an online "food journal" of sorts I always find my way back to my Xanga page.  Case in point, I didn't even know I tried an online journal before and came across a Xanga page I had created about two summers ago.  It was horrifying to read what I had written. (Think now, why I'm not using it!) Here was a girl who knew what was wrong for her (an eating disorder) but entries riddled with everything that said I'm not going to stop it.  Words dripped with anger, pessimism, and an over all whatever happens, it didn't matter.

But that was two summers ago, and this is now.  I'm matured in that I know I need an outlet to vent on, express my frustrations, failures, and moments of weakness.  But I also know now that not only do I not want to be a slave to an eating disorder that has consumed various parts of my life for nearly 7 years; but that an eating disorder also DOESN'T WORK.  The turning point really has been I could continue in my old ways, but its not showing any effect on the scale.  Sticking to a PLAN, EXERCISE, a stable mindset, those are things that work.  I know this is not a switch or a cold cut process.  I want it to be! But I know its not.  So here I am, in a stable mind saying this is it.

I've been following Weight Watchers fairly closely for the past 5 months or so and constantly read success stories of individuals who have lost 10, 20, 50 even 100 pounds.  Their stories are simply inspiring! I can't get enough of them! 

But guess what... It's my turn to be a success story ... and you have the pleasure of following me along that journey.