Happy Anniversary

In the midst of all my ranting, I forgot to acknowledge the one month anniversary of being "sober"!  Time does kind of fly....

And even the scale gave me an anniversary present this morning... it finally blinked and gave me what I wanted, a lower number!  I guess success does happen when you rationally work out problems, and not just go to the cheapest, quickest fix.  In your face, Ed!

A special thank you to one of my followers (you know who you are love muffin) who gave me guidance last night as a follow up to yesterday's blog.  She suggested my diet lacked protein, which is crucial when trying to lose weight with a combination of working out.  I learned by not having adequate protein in my diet fat is not being targeted when I work out, in fact, fat is being stored. Definitely not what I want.  So, to fix the problem I had a delicious egg white and salsa breakfast with dry toast; and am heading to the store not to stock up on Greek yogurt! Yum!

Good Old Fashion Frustration

Frustrated.  Actually, that's an understatement.  I am more than frustrated.  I know I feel like I am beating a dead horse but I am sick and tired of being in a stalemate with my scale.  I KNOW the number don't necessarily show the work I have been doing but for Christ's sake, it's been a month and the number hasn't budged down since I started this blog.  There is nothing left for me to feel except frustration, anger, and a scale that's lucky it hasn't been thrown out the window yet.  I'm genuinely asking for help here: what am I doing wrong?!

Since departing ways with Ed I:

1.  Eat breakfast, almost daily, therefore jump starting my metabolism.  And I make sure I put a piece of fruit in it (example this morning: plain bagel and banana, yesterday: blueberries, cantaloupe, plain bagel)
2.  Gave up beer.  This worked for Michelle's wedding, so I know it can't be hindering the process.
3.  Work out 5-6 days a week, incorporating strength training and running 2x-3x's longer than I have been able in my entire life (that's 4 to 6 miles a run! 40+ minutes on a treadmill!) I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and the working out has probably contributed to this lack of weight loss, but come on, give me something!
4.  Made conscious decisions when I eat.... I hold the cheese, leave the bun off, skip the bacon, and among other things even order vegetarian instead of red meat (I love my bacon burgers, people!)
5.  Cut back on the diet coke, and trust me, not easy. 

I just don't know what I am doing wrong.  I told myself the scale's probably about to budge... but that was a month ago!! At this rate I'm genuinely afraid I will not reach my goal weight... and that's 11 months away! 

Phew... okay, there's my rant and vent.  But that wasn't the whole point of this post.  A part of this journey is realizing when I have a problem, I need to come up with a healthy solution.  The only thing I can think of at the moment is that I really have strayed away from doing weight watchers.  I guess I told myself if I'm running 3-6 miles every other day and working out on the days off, I could give myself some slack when counting points.  I'm not saying I'm consuming 30+ points a day, but I know that I'm not keeping as good of track as I should be.  So,  this week as a trial basis, I'm going back on weight watchers full time.  That's back to counting, back to measuring, and yes, back to counting alcohol.  Maybe this time next week I will be happy to say I've found a solution to the problem.

A bonus to all of this is that even though I'm frustrated as hell, Ed hasn't found a way back into the picture.  That's definitely something I haven't always been able to say.  This truly is the end of my rope with frustrations, but the thought of puking doesn't even cross my mind.  At this point, the idea of chucking up my food disgusts me.  Perhaps this is like childhood asthma, maybe I've finally grown out of it.  No matter what though,  it's nice to say it's no longer an option, let alone even a choice. 

Roadtrips from weight-gain hell

This picture will hopefully represent me in the next 48 hour period.  Drinks, no shoes, no problems.  It's clearly not this that has me anxious, its the process of getting TO vacation. 

The thing about family road trips is the inevitability I'm going to get bored.  And as tradition stands when someone gets bored my mom pulls out a brick of cheese and crackers, and even though we just ate an hour and a half ago, I find myself throat deep in cheese and cracker glory.  Boredom with me for whatever reason triggers the need to eat.  And not healthy eat, just eat.  It doesn't matter if I'm on a road trip or lounging on my bed watching a Harry Potter marathon, once that feeling to eat (when I'm not hungry, mind you) comes on, I lose control.  As well as gaining unneeded cheese and cracker calories, I've also gained shame, embarrassment, and guilt.  I didn't need to eat those things, so why did I?  I didn't need to eat them, but why did I eat the whole brick of cheese? Done. puke.  So what do I do?  How to I fight inevitable car-ride boredom? 

I don't have answers, I just have a plan for tomorrow.  Luckily I've caught this as a red flag day, so the best I can attempt to do is make a plan, and stick to it as best I can. 

Game Plan: Mission Myrtle Beach Road trip
1.  My good friend's birthday party is tonight, stay their late, have a good time, enjoy seeing friends you haven't seen in awhile.  Go home, and when the alarm goes off to get in the car at 5:30a.m., sleep until we're in North Carolina.
2.  McDonald's and Wendy's doesn't need to explode in my face, I've already looked up "healthier" meals in my "Eat This, Not That" Restaurant help book for when we stop for lunch.  A meal at either one would only cost me 10 weight watchers points. 
3.  When the snacks come out, pull out either Harry Potter (which I decided to re-read after the epic last film) or another addicting novel I've brought along (Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Lost Symbol, etc).  That way, I'm focused on literary cliffhangers instead of a come to life scene out of Anchorman (Baxter, you ate the WHOLE wheel of Cheese?! I'm not even mad, I'm impressed!).
4.  When Harry Potter fails (gasp!), pop in gum.  If anything, I'm hoping to trick my brain into the fact that chewing something is snack time, and it will fight off the urge to eat more.

Wish me luck!  See you all in a week! (Unless we have Internet of course, then see you all sooner!)

Reward Day

I was creepin' on the woman giving me a pedi, and reading the top 10 worse divorces ever.

Ta-da! Rewarded Feetsies!

Enough can be said by the pictures alone, reward day! I did it!

Next Goal... September 17th is the 15K run I have been training for in my spare time this summer (since I don't have a teaching job and lets face it, serving isn't exactly high stress outside the restaurant).  If I can make it that far without giving into Ed (building on what I've done this past month), I reward myself with a full body massage.   After all, its all about loving my new body, and rewarding it for running 9.3 miles! 

By the way, I've recently let on to a few friends I've been keeping this blog.  This is a whole new level of vulnerability for me since this is the most honest I've been with ANYBODY in years.  Thanks for the comments and support guys <3 I chose you all for a reason!!

To Snack, or not to Snack, should I hold off till Dinner?

Pardon the anecdote, but today's blog was too ironic not to post.  No joke, I'm driving to work today and pondering what I should blog about when I got back home.  I couldn't think of much going on at the moment mentally with me (scale still sucks, pedicure's still coming up!), so I tried to think of something I struggle with outside the eating disorder.  Duh, Snacking! I think to myself.  Snacking is something I have never known how to do.  I either make myself a meal's worth of food, or stick to a few carrot sticks and tell myself I'm full.  Either really isn't a good option, and I feel its a lack of knowledge more than anything.  Hell, two days ago I still felt like a seven year old, asking my fiance if what I had in front of me was an appropriate "snack."  (String cheese and 10 peanut butter pretzels, it was.)

When I got home I decided I would search a few Internet sites on what they felt were helpful snacks that would get you through the day and would not derail my diet efforts.  Although my diet efforts did not get derailed, my plans for searching the web did when I decided to go to the pool instead.  But, stopping at the gas station I found an article in Shape magazine that instead gave 20 great low-cal tasty snacks, including CHOCOLATE!  Yes, I can eat dark chocolate and not feel guilty!  Here's what it said about snacking:

A worthy snack is:
*200 or fewer calories
*0 grams of trans fat and no more than 3.5 grams of saturated fat
*No high-fructose corn syrup

Ok, so I don't check high-fructose corn syrup as much as I should, but knowing a snack should be around 200 calories really helped! That IS a handful of pretzels and piece of string cheese!  Or 12 tortilla chips and a scope of salsa!

The article pretty much broke it down into 4 snack categories: salty, crunchy, sweet and creamy:

Under salty my favorite pick was Snack Factory Sesame Pretzel Chips.  At about 110 calories I would still have 90 calories to add something sweet and curb any cravings until dinner. 



I found a Buffalo version of these snack chips in the store, and lord knows I love buffalo anything, so I wonder if they would still fit the ramifications?



And the thing I loved the most about the article is I could still have my sweet and creamy treat (yes, ice cream! I guess dieting isn't so bad). 

70 Calories, 2 Points (WW+)

I could get used to the idea of ice cream for a snack, especially chocolate and strawberry! Yum!

Hell, I could even have a fruit bar and buffalo pretzels and still be in the snack zone!  If I used to see this much food as a snack, I assumed it was too much, and wrong, therefore: came up.  This helps ease my mind, that I can eat larger "snacks" and still be in OK shape.

The thing is, the more I am working out, and the smaller (more wholesome) my meals are, the more I am realizing my stomach needs to eat in between lunch and dinner.  It's not a failure to my diet, its a boost to my metabolism.  I think of it as a little Fast and the Furious punch of Nos, vroom!  So next time my stomach rumbles at 3:45p.m.  I'm not going to give it dinner, instead I will choose a healthy snack that will bridge my way through the afternoon and get me safely to dinner, diet intact. 





Next up, Greek Yogurt! I've heard from multiple people this is a tasty treat that is super yummy and good for you!



Being my own Best Friend

Found this article on weight watchers today.  It's definitely worth a read and teaches you tips on how to love yourself more.  (Something I'm sure a lot of us could use)  What's the saying go?  You can't love others until you love yourself?  Well what it's come down to me is I can't heal and fix this eating disorder until I learn to love myself as myself is.  In the article I especially liked: 

[2. Pay yourself a compliment every dayFocus on a different attribute — your clear complexion, pleasant voice, good fashion sense — and say out loud: "I love my ___." It may sound forced at first, but it's a useful counter to self-doubt.]

So many girls are they're own worse enemy.  I know when someone tells me something positive about myself (wow, you look good! Your hair looks nice today!)  I immediately take what they say, and flip it against myself.  (I may look "good" but the scale says I gained two pounds, therefore I can't look good.)  Why is it the person that should be my biggest fan (myself) is instead constantly critiquing the mirror looking for ways to make myself better? 

This "bashing" is something I have done to myself my entire life.  I did this when I was at my lowest weight, my highest weight, and everything in between.  Guess which stage was the worse?  The lowest.  At 124 I told myself I'd be happy with another 4 pounds gone.  Then maybe I could rock a bikini, then maybe my boyfriend would pay more attention to me, then maybe I'd fit into a size 4, then maybe then maybe then maybe. 

It just went on, everyday was a new battle against myself.  I was never happy, and constantly on the hook of Ed.  I felt that if maybe my weight would drop to 120, everything else would just be gumdrops and candy canes.

I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but I know a huge part of fixing myself is being able to look in the mirror and go, "Wow! I love my ______."  So following the advice of the article here is my daily complement to myself... I love my thighs, running has done wonders to them! Check out those muscles and that definition!

Back to Reality

The first day after a holiday, the first day back from vacation, the first day after a day long binge fest...

THOSE are my hardest days.  Not the holiday's or the vacations themselves.  For some reason I have it in my head that I am allowed to consume huge portions of rich delicious foods on holidays and vacations and my eating disorder does not even blink an eye.  I went 9 full days on an all you can eat and drink Caribbean cruise and never once did it cross my mind to purposefully get "seasick."  It's the day after that always kills me.  I try to starve myself, and when that fails I eat all the leftovers to get them out of the house and throw them up.  This has been a pattern I'm not so proud of when I'm not in control.  Since starting this blog, though, and being in control, the 4th of July was my first real test.  And trust me, the eating disorder forced me to fight.  That's because, though, of the way I have always viewed holiday's and other special days in the year. 

The way I see it, I use to give myself "free" days.  Days where dieting didn't count, that I would worry about the results and work it off when the free day was done.  Well, now looking at it... (for 2011 alone) Free days have added up to...

17 Holidays per year I celebrate with food (with 2 days for Thanksgiving and 4 for Christmas)
36 Vacation days I plan on throwing food caution to the wind and enjoying my time away from Columbus, Ohio
8 Birthdays I'll indulge in celebratory cake eating (and other not so good for me goodies)
... and I'll guess about 15 or so days that simply are not accounted for (Tailgates, Weddings, Gatherings in general)

That comes down to 76 days a year I don't care what I'm putting in my mouth.  Kind of puts it into perspective when I figure I struggle losing weight, huh?  Now I'm not saying you should be counting calories on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or at your 5 star Italian dinner on a Caribbean Cruise (best veal chop, ever.)  What I'm saying is 76 is a very large number, and doesn't really make for a good excuse to throw a diet out the window.  So what if you passed on desert for Labor day? Statistics show the next "celebratory" event is 18.25 days away! Get dessert then!  Pick and chose your battles.  Maybe throw caution to the wind for Thanksgiving, but really make smart choices for the first Holiday party.  What it comes down to then is those 45 high alert days in the year that follow the 76 care free days won't be as hard to deal with.

Now did I follow this last week on my mini 4th of July Vacation to Hocking Hills?  Kind of.  I did great the first 2 days, worked out like I should of, and then just, gave up.  But now that I see these days can be a killer to my dieting success, it's time to put them in prospective.  First test coming up next Saturday!

And for the record... I didn't check the scale, and I didn't mess with my goal (...Sidebar.... 6 days and counting until my self deserved pedicure!) I jumped right back into eating healthy and working out.  So although I didn't follow my rules so great last week, at least the hardest days came and went like they should.

Change for the Better

My success story has more to do with controlling my eating habits. In the end it's going to be a success story of a self makeover of mind, body, and soul.

Today I worked on my body.  I've recently started up a running program that will end with a 15K race this upcoming September at the Cinncinnati Octoberfest.  Other than the initial suprise of actually being capable of running 4 miles, I'm learning to actually ENJOY running!  I'm finding it easier to wake up, go to the gym, and turn out a run that as of 3 months ago, I couldn't do! My fiance and I are taking a long weekend at his family's home in Hocking Hills, so this morning I went for a quick 2 mile run.   It's hard not to enjoy running when you have scenery like this to look at on your journey!

As well as, I'm actually starting to enjoy the results running is having on my body.  Yes, the scale is giving me no love; but, I see myself leaner, more fit, and am actually LOVING my new curves.  This is a mindset I have not had in awhile, and along with enjoying my new found love of running, I'm enjoying this new mindset.

Happy Birthday America and have a safe 4th of July!