There is no doubt in my mind emotions are strongly attached to eating habits. When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm celebrating, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. But when I'm upset, I don't. Upset has been an emotion that has crept up on me these last few days. Now, while there is no rhyme or reason to what necessarily brought these emotions on, one thing that is clear to me is that it is having a significant effect on my appetite. In that, there is none. It has literaly been a fight with my body to consume more than 10 points in the past two days. By the end of dinner-time yesterday, I had consumed 5 points. By the end of dinner-time tonight, I had consumed 14. I told myself this is a redflag path, and having so little points in a day is going to mess with my head. I would hate for my brain to start telling my body its okay to eat so little. In essence that sends me to the other end of the eating disorder spectrum (which was the beginning of this whole debacal 7 years ago and was the gateway drug to bulimia). I physically forced myself to eat a 15 point snack at 11:45 last night, and just finished a 6 point snack to gain some ground for today. I know what will happen when I don't eat and I will not get a high from depriving myself of food. Good for me? Right? What now has me blogging is that I'm guilt tripping myself, and I'm just flat out upset. I guess the times can't always be good.
Although I am no where near a diagnosable doctor, part of me believes at one point in my life I should have looked into being diagnosed with depression. There isn't anything that really could have brought this feeling on. I came off a great weekend, haven't seen the scale in a few weeks, and was really happy with the way things were going. And then, bam, freight train, I suddenly am looking for excuses to feel blue, and can't think of a reason to put food in a belly that's not hungry. I honestly don't know what's harder... keeping down food that doesn't want to be there? Or putting food down that doesn't want to be there?
I live to fight another day, but I hope for better days then these.
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