I stumbled upon this site tonight and it had some great words of wisdom. I wanted to save the site, but more importantly I wanted to share some of the quotes I found. They struck surprisingly close to home for me, maybe evoking similar emotions in others?
The #113 Rule of a Lady: Even if you don't have the power to choose where you come from, you can always choose where to go from there.
The #108 Rule of a Lady: Never let anyone disturb your composure, deter your accomplishment, or destroy your happiness.
The #111 Rule of a Lady: Do not believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. You are your own worst enemy.
The #120 Rule of a Lady: You can only try your best. And if they can't appreciate that, it's their fault, not yours.
The #137 Rule of a Lady: Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.
The #146 Rule of a Lady: The number on the scale is nowhere near as important as your health.
The #167 Rule of a Lady: The trick is to keep breathing.
What other advice do you need to live by?!
xoxo-K
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Just like That...
It was a process that took about 90 seconds yesterday. Simple, easy, but enough to derail my self esteem and send me into a rut of depression I have yet to crawl out of since. No, I didn't screw up, I simply saw 60+ pictures of myself in a short lapse of time and was crushed at the fact I didn't recognize the girl in the photos. Whoever that girl was, it was not me, at least I don't want to come to terms with that was not me. The girl who was working so hard these last 8 months to look so good in these pictures was missing. The girl who had come to terms with the fact she didn't reach her goal weight because she looked in the mirror and felt good decided to take a hike. She was not present, but a stranger certainly was.
I am aware every picture was not going to be perfect. Some are candid, bad shots of everyone, and some are flat out bad angles. Hell, I even know those aren't the final copy. I'm trying to tell myself I let a few bad ones be the center of my focus and it probably didn't allow my mind to process the good ones. I'm trying to be angry at people who aren't me- the stylist at Limited for telling me a cropped off blazer looked good (even before pictures I was doubting it flattery,I was feeling big in the mirror, opposite of how I'd been feeling early that day in a form fitting blouse), my mom for following along, me for letting my judgement be clouded and making the (expensive) purchase. Anything really to not feel hurt, depressed, and disappointed. That's poison in my mind I just don't need.
I guess as the saying goes when you put something on a pedestal, the harder it falls. I wish I hadn't put so much emphasis on these photo's in my mind... Senior pictures turned out so well, please let these be an unexpected surprise too. My sanity needs it, my self esteem needs it. One thing for sure is this has been the kick in the ass to get me back in the gym full force. No more messing around, I have a wedding I'm preparing for, naps after school are no longer going to keep me off a treadmill if I'm serious about reaching my goal. This isn't optional. This is a success only plan. I needed this post though, I needed to feel pain, I needed to cry. I needed to know I can't feel this and now come to terms with it and move on. I need to know this isn't an end.
To the lighter side of things:
4 Months Today: 4 Months Stronger, Healthier (and on most days) Happier. Go me. Go Success Journey.
I am aware every picture was not going to be perfect. Some are candid, bad shots of everyone, and some are flat out bad angles. Hell, I even know those aren't the final copy. I'm trying to tell myself I let a few bad ones be the center of my focus and it probably didn't allow my mind to process the good ones. I'm trying to be angry at people who aren't me- the stylist at Limited for telling me a cropped off blazer looked good (even before pictures I was doubting it flattery,I was feeling big in the mirror, opposite of how I'd been feeling early that day in a form fitting blouse), my mom for following along, me for letting my judgement be clouded and making the (expensive) purchase. Anything really to not feel hurt, depressed, and disappointed. That's poison in my mind I just don't need.
I guess as the saying goes when you put something on a pedestal, the harder it falls. I wish I hadn't put so much emphasis on these photo's in my mind... Senior pictures turned out so well, please let these be an unexpected surprise too. My sanity needs it, my self esteem needs it. One thing for sure is this has been the kick in the ass to get me back in the gym full force. No more messing around, I have a wedding I'm preparing for, naps after school are no longer going to keep me off a treadmill if I'm serious about reaching my goal. This isn't optional. This is a success only plan. I needed this post though, I needed to feel pain, I needed to cry. I needed to know I can't feel this and now come to terms with it and move on. I need to know this isn't an end.
To the lighter side of things:
4 Months Today: 4 Months Stronger, Healthier (and on most days) Happier. Go me. Go Success Journey.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Nothing to Update!
I swear I haven't forgotten about this little therapy outlet that is my blog, but for the last few weeks, things have been going great! I haven't had a lot to blog about, and even the scale's been tipping in my favor! The next step is keeping a healthy mindset and not rewarding my hard efforts with greasy, over the top, binges that will more than likely set me back a few days. I know its (Saturday, Friday night, a holiday, a hard day after work, pick any excuse you like) but that doesn't mean I should derail my good work.
One task I know I need to start incorporating more of into my life is trips to the gym. While I've been eating right, and not eating out nearly as much, I still need to get to the gym multiple days a week. Exercise isn't always about losing weight, its a stress reliever, improves quality of life, and helps prevent diseases that could effect life expectancy. Yes, I want to loose weight, but I need to form this relationship with the gym so I utilize its benefits after the goal has been accomplished.
Hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Saturday afternoon!
One task I know I need to start incorporating more of into my life is trips to the gym. While I've been eating right, and not eating out nearly as much, I still need to get to the gym multiple days a week. Exercise isn't always about losing weight, its a stress reliever, improves quality of life, and helps prevent diseases that could effect life expectancy. Yes, I want to loose weight, but I need to form this relationship with the gym so I utilize its benefits after the goal has been accomplished.
Hope everyone enjoys this beautiful Saturday afternoon!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Another Month Down!
I am all sorts of behind this month on celebrations first the massage, now the monthiversary...
Just like in the first year of a new relationship, I insist on celebrating every month's anniversary. Buckle up, we hit month 3!
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| 2 Days Late... But the Meaning is ALL the Same! |
Friday, September 23, 2011
Another Benefit of Teaching
One of my favorite parts of being back in the teaching routine is that I'm back on a normal eating schedule. When I first decided to give weight watchers a try I began right as I was starting student teaching. As anyone who has survived student teaching knows you barley have time to sleep, let alone cram in an hour to workout. Lets face it, I had bills to pay and every extra spare moment was going into keeping a roof over my head, not time on an elliptical. While I found myself neck deep in lesson planning, grading papers, and other master's program gargan, the back of my mind told me I had a wedding figure image I wanted to achieve and a new bikini to buy for my up coming spring break to the Caribbean. Needless to say, in January 2011 I put all my hopes and dreams into the weight watchers program. Lucky for me, it did not disappoint. Thanks to a well planned out academic school schedule boredom hunger rarely hit through the winter months (a time when I usually pack on what I call the 5 pound winter coat.) Days would start with a high in fiber breakfast (usually costing me about 3 points), a well balanced 6 point packed lunch (seriously, lots of food, little points), a get me through the hell of grading papers snack (thank you 2 point skinny cow bars), and still enough points left to splurge a little on dinner with Chipotle, Panera, or Chinese if I chose. I was feeling completely full and satisfied, and weight was falling off. It wasn't until I got off this synchronized schedule that I realized how easily I gave into food boredom and how hard it was to stay within my points for the day.
That's why I am welcoming back with full arms the teaching schedule. Yesterday was my first full day back and I couldn't be happier. Not only am I waking up early enough to eat a hearty breakfast, I'm also packing myself healthy, nutritious (did I mention huge 6 point !!) lunches and my body feels great come 3 o'clock. (Think about it, by 3 o'clock I've had less points and feel fuller with my healthy 2 meals than with my itty bitty 10 point kids pizza at Champps for lunch) By dinner I have enough points to actually eat a meal both Chris and I can enjoy (last night fish filets with Alfredo noodles and carrots-- delicious) and not feel guilty when I opt for dessert. And slowly, I'm building the willingness to actually go out and buy a battery for the scale to see the results (the thing died well over a month ago and I just thought that was for the best). Teaching is my profession for a reason. Other than being good at it, it puts me on a schedule that so many different aspects of my life needs. I dig it!
My healthy 6 Point Packed Lunch: An Everything Bagel Thin with mustard and deli meat (usually turkey or ham). A Weight Watchers brand string cheese, Fiber One Bar, and Granny Smith Apple! The Fiber One bar usually is chocolate or caramel flavored to give my body the "something sweet" most of my meals lack, plus, it beats a cookie!
That's why I am welcoming back with full arms the teaching schedule. Yesterday was my first full day back and I couldn't be happier. Not only am I waking up early enough to eat a hearty breakfast, I'm also packing myself healthy, nutritious (did I mention huge 6 point !!) lunches and my body feels great come 3 o'clock. (Think about it, by 3 o'clock I've had less points and feel fuller with my healthy 2 meals than with my itty bitty 10 point kids pizza at Champps for lunch) By dinner I have enough points to actually eat a meal both Chris and I can enjoy (last night fish filets with Alfredo noodles and carrots-- delicious) and not feel guilty when I opt for dessert. And slowly, I'm building the willingness to actually go out and buy a battery for the scale to see the results (the thing died well over a month ago and I just thought that was for the best). Teaching is my profession for a reason. Other than being good at it, it puts me on a schedule that so many different aspects of my life needs. I dig it!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Rewards All Around!
So yesterday was suppose to be reward day... No it did not go by unnoticed because I didn't deserve it, more it went by because A. I forgot Monday was reward day. B. I had to work ALL day yesterday. and C. I don't exactly have the money to shell out on a massage since I had to renew my license plates instead (I mean who wouldn't want to consider that a reward!) I promise myself, though, one massage is earned and therefore in the rewards bank. Besides those small details... there's much to reward myself for. Not only did I reach the second reward milestone in this journey towards conquering my eating disorder, I also for the first time ever ran my first organized race!
The Hudepohl 14K Brewery Run, a race I have been literary training for all summer. I've never been much of a runner, in fact I use to throw out excuses for not running that were more appropriate for my 84 year old grandmother to use than for me. Senior year of high school I was at the top of my running game, I was able to run 20 minutes straight 5 days a week (approximately 2- 2.25 miles). So when my dad asked me if I would be interested in doing a race that was almost 9 miles I was immediately intimidated, but committed, because it involved beer at the end. I figured this would also be a good way to kick-start my bride diet in gear. I did a Google search and found a program that told me I would be able to run 9 miles in 10 weeks, and so it began. I started on a treadmill since I have never been much of an outside runner. The program started off slow, 2 miles every other day the first week, go 3 by the end of the second, and for the first 5 weeks it really did go well. By the time I ran over an hour on the treadmill straight (6 miles) I knew this race was going to be a piece of cake and I applauded my new stamina for running. Thennn I took my efforts outside. By the end of the first run (about 2.5 miles) I knew I was in over my head and dead tired from heat exhaustion. I hardly completed half of the 4 mile run I had set out to do, and I was one month away the race. I panicked (I couldn't start a new 10 week program this close to race day) and got in my head. One particularly hot day after 5 frustrating outside runs I just stopped and said I'm done. All my training, all my efforts, I wasn't able to do it. I wasn't going to be able to do the race. My frustrations were written all over my face and my dad knew this. He explained to me over the phone that when running I should always be able to keep a "light" conversation going, and never try running at the peak heat of the day. I agreed (even though I knew I was done trying) and left it at that. The next day I couldn't help but think maybe I had been running too fast, and at the wrong time. I tried again. This time at twilight, and this time, I did it. 3.3 miles and the energy to do more. By the next Sunday, I was able to run 5 miles outside. I was sky high with glee! I had trained my body to run outside! I immediately called my dad and told him to sign us up. I was committed from this point on. Unfortunately, from this point on, life began to get in the way. Days I should have been doing 6, 7 and 8 mile runs I was stuck at Champps working doubles and too tired by the time I got home to run. Next thing I knew it was the night before the race and the most I had ever run outside was 6.13 miles a week and a half prior. Panic immediately hit my stomach again.
But that was Saturday morning...
and this was Saturday early afternoon. Post Race. I did it! It is one of those things in life I was on the brink of tears at the end because I was so proud of myself (I didn't do this for my masters graduation, one thing I do declare the proudest moment of my life) that I had done it. Yes it was hard, yes there were moments I wanted to stop and quit and just walk. But in the end, I did it, I didn't stop, I didn't quit, I didn't walk, I got my metal and enjoyed my beer.
This may have been my first, but definitely won't be my last race. As a good dear friend of mine knows ALL to well: Running is addicting. But I consider this to be a good type of addiction for me. 3-4 mile runs are just what I need to clear my head for 30-40 minutes, relieve a little stress, and let my mind wander. I already have a few races in mind coming up... particularly:
Minster Oktoberfest 10K Race in early October
The Flying Four Miler Thanksgiving Run in Novemeber
Jingle Bell Run in December
... and the new set goal: Columbus Half Marathon Spring 2013! (I need time off to plan a wedding after all!)
In conclusion for today and all this running/race/excitement... isn't it funny how I can apply the same mindset I have towards running during a race to an eating disorder? Don't stop (or in this case, do), Don't quit (I can hold this mindset, I can do it) and don't walk (don't give in.) Earn the metal (a happy, healthier body) and enjoy the rewards, in some cases beer applies here too!
Until Next Time!
The Hudepohl 14K Brewery Run, a race I have been literary training for all summer. I've never been much of a runner, in fact I use to throw out excuses for not running that were more appropriate for my 84 year old grandmother to use than for me. Senior year of high school I was at the top of my running game, I was able to run 20 minutes straight 5 days a week (approximately 2- 2.25 miles). So when my dad asked me if I would be interested in doing a race that was almost 9 miles I was immediately intimidated, but committed, because it involved beer at the end. I figured this would also be a good way to kick-start my bride diet in gear. I did a Google search and found a program that told me I would be able to run 9 miles in 10 weeks, and so it began. I started on a treadmill since I have never been much of an outside runner. The program started off slow, 2 miles every other day the first week, go 3 by the end of the second, and for the first 5 weeks it really did go well. By the time I ran over an hour on the treadmill straight (6 miles) I knew this race was going to be a piece of cake and I applauded my new stamina for running. Thennn I took my efforts outside. By the end of the first run (about 2.5 miles) I knew I was in over my head and dead tired from heat exhaustion. I hardly completed half of the 4 mile run I had set out to do, and I was one month away the race. I panicked (I couldn't start a new 10 week program this close to race day) and got in my head. One particularly hot day after 5 frustrating outside runs I just stopped and said I'm done. All my training, all my efforts, I wasn't able to do it. I wasn't going to be able to do the race. My frustrations were written all over my face and my dad knew this. He explained to me over the phone that when running I should always be able to keep a "light" conversation going, and never try running at the peak heat of the day. I agreed (even though I knew I was done trying) and left it at that. The next day I couldn't help but think maybe I had been running too fast, and at the wrong time. I tried again. This time at twilight, and this time, I did it. 3.3 miles and the energy to do more. By the next Sunday, I was able to run 5 miles outside. I was sky high with glee! I had trained my body to run outside! I immediately called my dad and told him to sign us up. I was committed from this point on. Unfortunately, from this point on, life began to get in the way. Days I should have been doing 6, 7 and 8 mile runs I was stuck at Champps working doubles and too tired by the time I got home to run. Next thing I knew it was the night before the race and the most I had ever run outside was 6.13 miles a week and a half prior. Panic immediately hit my stomach again.
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| Hude Race Route, Tiny, but check out MapMyRun for more intricate details |
But that was Saturday morning...
and this was Saturday early afternoon. Post Race. I did it! It is one of those things in life I was on the brink of tears at the end because I was so proud of myself (I didn't do this for my masters graduation, one thing I do declare the proudest moment of my life) that I had done it. Yes it was hard, yes there were moments I wanted to stop and quit and just walk. But in the end, I did it, I didn't stop, I didn't quit, I didn't walk, I got my metal and enjoyed my beer.
Minster Oktoberfest 10K Race in early October
The Flying Four Miler Thanksgiving Run in Novemeber
Jingle Bell Run in December
... and the new set goal: Columbus Half Marathon Spring 2013! (I need time off to plan a wedding after all!)
In conclusion for today and all this running/race/excitement... isn't it funny how I can apply the same mindset I have towards running during a race to an eating disorder? Don't stop (or in this case, do), Don't quit (I can hold this mindset, I can do it) and don't walk (don't give in.) Earn the metal (a happy, healthier body) and enjoy the rewards, in some cases beer applies here too!
Until Next Time!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The Effectiveness of Will Power!
The realization last night? This week is really going to test my willpower. After nearly pummeling through my bonus points in one sit down serving of trivia (BBQ Chicken Fingers, Potstickers, Mile High Icecream, oh my waistline!) , I only have 8 bonus points left for the week... And I have 4 more days to go (which says something since I didn't even count Monday, a day I definitely killed all my points). This includes the ever fearful weekend. When I made the decision for weekly bonus points (weight watchers gives me a total of 35 per week) to renew on Mondays instead of Thursdays I knew I would be holding myself accountable all week long to guarantee I would have extra points for the weekend. This is the first time I haven't let myself be accountable, so I am really putting the system to the test.
Last night I immediately thought of giving up and just calling it a scratch week. But where's the power in that? I am stronger than this, I am in more control, and I'm not so addicted to food that I can't say no. I'm just going to have to work a little harder this week and do a little more research. I will get more satisfaction on Sunday saying, I did it! Then crumbling and falling and giving in to food. Plus, next week is a long food week anyway. I'm taking a mini vacation to Cincinnati, Ohio for Oktoberfest and do intend to drink beer and not be so point conscious. A small break if you will. I need to be realistic with myself. If a small break is truly deserved, it needs to be earned. Just like in running... you can't earn the downhill without the uphill.
Last night I immediately thought of giving up and just calling it a scratch week. But where's the power in that? I am stronger than this, I am in more control, and I'm not so addicted to food that I can't say no. I'm just going to have to work a little harder this week and do a little more research. I will get more satisfaction on Sunday saying, I did it! Then crumbling and falling and giving in to food. Plus, next week is a long food week anyway. I'm taking a mini vacation to Cincinnati, Ohio for Oktoberfest and do intend to drink beer and not be so point conscious. A small break if you will. I need to be realistic with myself. If a small break is truly deserved, it needs to be earned. Just like in running... you can't earn the downhill without the uphill.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Tomorrow's Another Day
I know I said I wasn't suppose to go nuts on EVERY holiday but....
Yesterday I just needed a break from counting. I've worked so hard for three weeks on checking that everything that goes in my mouth was okay and within the constraints of weight watchers that I finally just said no, I'm not counting today. I had done really well the night before at my in-laws house so I decided a break was in order. I pretty much made this decision once I knew I had blown my points for the day at 11a.m (damnit delicious leftovers!). At first my mind tried to tell my body I was done eating for the day, but then I told myself that was ridiculous and to just enjoy the day with food, and don't avoid labor day BBQs just because food was going to be present. I decided not to deprive myself, so I didn't! Part of fixing myself is how to cope with social situations and food, after all the holiday season is right around the corner and its time to start preparing.
What helped ease my mind was the decision I made to do a 6 mile run before I went over to the BBQ festivities. Since it was a mid-sixty afternoon day I felt it was perfect weather to go outside and clear my head. Knowing then once I got to the party that I had ran for almost 80 minutes prior I didn't feel so bad having a cookie or scoop of taco dip. I even made a mental note to look at my plate. Since doing weight watchers I've noticed I have drastically cut my portion size. Prior to doing this system I would literally pile food onto my plate that I knew I liked. Now, I scoop up what I feel is a portion, eat my share, then SIT and see if I'm satisfied or if I really do need seconds. It's really helped me fight this addiction I've been battling with food. I physically felt a difference yesterday. I made a mental note to do the same thing once Thanksgiving rolls around, to go and do a long early morning run, then take eating slowly!
The other reason I decided to make it a "binge" day was to see if I was mentally capable of letting that much food sit in my stomach at this point in the journey without attempting to throw it up. What a relief, it wasn't a battle at all. I just kind of came to terms with I had eaten more than my fair share for the day, and I would wake up and be back on the bandwagon tomorrow. Today was truly a new day, I woke up knowing I would be counting again and planned for a post-work elliptical session. The labor day binge break even made it easier to jump back on the band wagon. I told myself I had my breather, my break, my stress relief from counting (it was without a doubt, needed) and that the journey starts back up again today. These breaks are not something I intend to plan (with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas) like I have in past diets. In my diet mind, weekends never counted, it was an eating free for all, but I know that didn't help me or my waistline. What I have learned about breaks is know they are something I need to incorporate in my diet, just not so regularly. It helps keep the diet train moving, without taking a sudden halt with Ed.
Yesterday I just needed a break from counting. I've worked so hard for three weeks on checking that everything that goes in my mouth was okay and within the constraints of weight watchers that I finally just said no, I'm not counting today. I had done really well the night before at my in-laws house so I decided a break was in order. I pretty much made this decision once I knew I had blown my points for the day at 11a.m (damnit delicious leftovers!). At first my mind tried to tell my body I was done eating for the day, but then I told myself that was ridiculous and to just enjoy the day with food, and don't avoid labor day BBQs just because food was going to be present. I decided not to deprive myself, so I didn't! Part of fixing myself is how to cope with social situations and food, after all the holiday season is right around the corner and its time to start preparing.
What helped ease my mind was the decision I made to do a 6 mile run before I went over to the BBQ festivities. Since it was a mid-sixty afternoon day I felt it was perfect weather to go outside and clear my head. Knowing then once I got to the party that I had ran for almost 80 minutes prior I didn't feel so bad having a cookie or scoop of taco dip. I even made a mental note to look at my plate. Since doing weight watchers I've noticed I have drastically cut my portion size. Prior to doing this system I would literally pile food onto my plate that I knew I liked. Now, I scoop up what I feel is a portion, eat my share, then SIT and see if I'm satisfied or if I really do need seconds. It's really helped me fight this addiction I've been battling with food. I physically felt a difference yesterday. I made a mental note to do the same thing once Thanksgiving rolls around, to go and do a long early morning run, then take eating slowly!
The other reason I decided to make it a "binge" day was to see if I was mentally capable of letting that much food sit in my stomach at this point in the journey without attempting to throw it up. What a relief, it wasn't a battle at all. I just kind of came to terms with I had eaten more than my fair share for the day, and I would wake up and be back on the bandwagon tomorrow. Today was truly a new day, I woke up knowing I would be counting again and planned for a post-work elliptical session. The labor day binge break even made it easier to jump back on the band wagon. I told myself I had my breather, my break, my stress relief from counting (it was without a doubt, needed) and that the journey starts back up again today. These breaks are not something I intend to plan (with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas) like I have in past diets. In my diet mind, weekends never counted, it was an eating free for all, but I know that didn't help me or my waistline. What I have learned about breaks is know they are something I need to incorporate in my diet, just not so regularly. It helps keep the diet train moving, without taking a sudden halt with Ed.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I.R.B
And sometimes... Life is just knocked into perspective.
My cousin's middle son, Issac, passed away this morning at the tiny age of 9 years old. 9 years old, a life just beginning. About two years ago he went to the emergency room with a terribly high fever and stomach cramps. Turns out he had children's diabetes, in one of the most extreme cases possible. Although he made a full recovery his life was from that point on dictated by regular insulin injections and a new eating lifestyle. For a 7 year old he was very "on top of" taking care of himself, very responsible, very adult-like for only nine. Last night, for whatever reason, he passed away in his sleep due to either too high of sugar, or too low.
Guilt, sadness, perspective, and a bit of anger at myself. That's what's going through my head right now. How is it that a small child is so responsible with his eating habits and responsibilities to a dietary disorder, yet takes his life away? I, on the other hand; couldn't have been anymore irresponsible with my body, practically bringing it to hell and back and here I stand today, alive and well. What my cousins are going through at the moment I can't even imagine, and let alone even imagine putting my parents through the same the thing. What I got this morning was a cold hard punch to the stomach, and a wake-up call that there is no turning back on this journey to recovery.
Prayers to little Issac Richard Boeckman <3
My cousin's middle son, Issac, passed away this morning at the tiny age of 9 years old. 9 years old, a life just beginning. About two years ago he went to the emergency room with a terribly high fever and stomach cramps. Turns out he had children's diabetes, in one of the most extreme cases possible. Although he made a full recovery his life was from that point on dictated by regular insulin injections and a new eating lifestyle. For a 7 year old he was very "on top of" taking care of himself, very responsible, very adult-like for only nine. Last night, for whatever reason, he passed away in his sleep due to either too high of sugar, or too low.
Guilt, sadness, perspective, and a bit of anger at myself. That's what's going through my head right now. How is it that a small child is so responsible with his eating habits and responsibilities to a dietary disorder, yet takes his life away? I, on the other hand; couldn't have been anymore irresponsible with my body, practically bringing it to hell and back and here I stand today, alive and well. What my cousins are going through at the moment I can't even imagine, and let alone even imagine putting my parents through the same the thing. What I got this morning was a cold hard punch to the stomach, and a wake-up call that there is no turning back on this journey to recovery.
Prayers to little Issac Richard Boeckman <3
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I'm Smarter Than I Credit Myself to Be (Insert Smart-Ass comment here)
So after spending some time reading the "Eat This Not That" Books, and researching online, I realized I really didn't learn anything that I didn't already know about restaurant eating. I already know when eating pasta to avoid the creamy rich alfredo and instead go for a tomato based saucey goodness. I know that if I'm going to eat a burger to probably skip the cheese, mayo, bacon and bun and I won't do total damage to my waistline (even better, opt for veggie burgers, yum.) Deserts that include whipped cream are just adding "air" fat, and everything that is deep fried is probably guaranteed to be on the "no-no" list. Always substitute fries for steamed vegetables or a fruit cup, and there's almost no sauce out there that can come guilt free (especially butter on bread).
What I did learn, is I DO have intuition about eating at a restaurant. Yes, I am still learning, and yes I do make errors, but its not due to a faulty knowledge foundation. How was I suppose to know the Shrimp Fajita's at Champps were much worse for you than the Steak Fajita's? I didn't, but I learned, and now I know! Life marches on with a bigger knowledge foundation.
Piada yesterday: I didn't know how much olive oil was used in the sauce, but I did know that choosing fresh veggies over steak, cheese, and creamy sauce was going to slice calories out of my meal without taking away from fullness. In conclusion, stop beating myself up over the fact I can't get an accurate point count! Use my best judgement, listen to my stomach, and the worse that happens is I lose weight slower. That's the bottom line. I'm making the conscious decision to better my eating and weight loss habits. I'm willing to bet results will follow...
What I did learn, is I DO have intuition about eating at a restaurant. Yes, I am still learning, and yes I do make errors, but its not due to a faulty knowledge foundation. How was I suppose to know the Shrimp Fajita's at Champps were much worse for you than the Steak Fajita's? I didn't, but I learned, and now I know! Life marches on with a bigger knowledge foundation.
Piada yesterday: I didn't know how much olive oil was used in the sauce, but I did know that choosing fresh veggies over steak, cheese, and creamy sauce was going to slice calories out of my meal without taking away from fullness. In conclusion, stop beating myself up over the fact I can't get an accurate point count! Use my best judgement, listen to my stomach, and the worse that happens is I lose weight slower. That's the bottom line. I'm making the conscious decision to better my eating and weight loss habits. I'm willing to bet results will follow...
Monday, August 29, 2011
I'm Just Going to Eat the Cookie
After about 15 minutes I said f#%^ it, I'm just going to eat the damn chocolate chip cookie.
What got me to this point? Lets Tarantino it.
For the past 3 weeks I have been avidly counting my weight watchers points to the last calorie. Every bonus point has been recorded and every exercise point accounted for. Don't get me wrong, it has been working, and I can feel a flatter, fitter stomach forming. But what I didn't anticipate is it has added a whole new stress to my life in situations where I DON'T know the calories, fat and fiber. In fact I forced a friend to change our dinner plans Friday night because I freaked out that I couldn't find the nutrition information for particular restaurant. My fear was I would accidentally eat a 35 point meal (I did that once at Champps, but not a surprise seeing as we practically deep fry our healthiest items in butter) and instantly ruin everything I worked for the past week.
The fact is I don't have the intuition about food and restaurants to yet cope with these situations. I pretty much assume if its not grilled chicken and steamed veggies, I'm shooting myself in the foot. In high school I didn't do this to myself! Even in the midst of the eating disorder I found out that eating the Ranch Wrap at Champps or the Chicken Faja Salad with its deep fried shell (scuse my server slang on food items, habit) and not throwing it up would not hurt my numbers on the scale. I can even remember thinking wanting to go to Champps because the numbers would not be reflected otherwise. I come to find out I was eating 35-50 point meals?! Where's the sense in that! Even worse than restaurants... I came across my first party social situation on Sunday in which a buffet of food was sat before me and I mentally made note I was going to track the points. What I ate:
1 8 oz glass Apple Cider
3 Shrimp Cocktail with a small tip of Cocktail sauce
1/2 cup *guesstimation* cornbread stuffing
1 cup *guesstimation* broccoli salad
1 slice pork (trust me, small)
A plethora of raw veggies
And for dessert a slice of Angel Food Cake with fresh fruit (Pretty sure I've researched its fairly healthy)
Trying to mentally add up my points and knowing I was near and or over my daily 23 instantly turned my brain against me. It was decided right then and there I was done eating for the day. No ifs, and's or buts, I had burned my points for the day. Again, where's the sense in that? I didn't know that I was about to get a rocking workout serving that night, and even going to successfully do a 5 mile run after. I tried to be rational and say if my stomach's hungry I will eat dinner, knowing damn well I would not follow through. And although I wasn't overly hungry at the end of the day, I compromised with my boday and ate a 2 point granola bar while watching my favorite Sunday night show.
Sure enough the same stress crept on me today... I went out to eat with some fellow co-workers at Piada but had no idea what I was getting into nutrition wise. I settled on an angel hair pasta bowl with all veggies and a spicy sauce, and said it couldn't be more than 14 points, so I'd call it a day. I finished, worked out for 45 minutes (not because I felt I had to but because its on my race training schedule for today), and headed home. Alas, what greeted me at the door was not only my loyal Puggle Brutus, but fresh baked chocolate chip cookies as well (Thanks live in Fiance, I have a wedding dress to fit into, no delicious suprises!). The problem was, I declared at Piada I was done eating for the day, I had to stick to it, right?
Not if I could confirm through the powers of Google I had not eaten all my points for the day! I quickly took to the computer and searched, searched, and searched for 15 minutes for what I had eaten at Piada and how it was going to take a tole on my weekly points. All the while Chocolate Chip cookies are beckoning me from the stove. By the time I failed on the 14th website we get to the beginning of the story... I finally said f#%^ it, and just ate the damn chocolate chip cookie.
No, its not going to effect my weekly bonus points. No I'm not going to punish myself for it tomorrow. Yes, I worked out 45 minutes so I know I earned at least 4 points somewhere, and that's without including yesterday's hour long run. I am just going to eat the cookie, and enjoy every bit of its chocolatey goodness. I don't want to be a slave to this weight watchers system because I don't want to count points forever. I don't want to stress when I can't control every nutritional fact going into my mouth. I picked weight watchers because I felt it overall would improve my eating habits by teaching portion control and smart choices. I can't let my mind take over and run the system... that's just starting new bad habits!
My goal for this week: Research how to eat smart in restaurants when there is no nutrition information available. I have the "Eat This Not that Survival Restaurant Guide." Maybe its time to start using helpful resources at hand and not using a brain with its crazy ideas about skipping dinner...
Plus I'm glad I've come to this realization before the Holiday's... It would be diet suicide to try and count points Thanksgiving Day. I plan on doing exactly what I did with the cookie. Enjoying the time I have with it, as well as the gym time that follows.
What got me to this point? Lets Tarantino it.
For the past 3 weeks I have been avidly counting my weight watchers points to the last calorie. Every bonus point has been recorded and every exercise point accounted for. Don't get me wrong, it has been working, and I can feel a flatter, fitter stomach forming. But what I didn't anticipate is it has added a whole new stress to my life in situations where I DON'T know the calories, fat and fiber. In fact I forced a friend to change our dinner plans Friday night because I freaked out that I couldn't find the nutrition information for particular restaurant. My fear was I would accidentally eat a 35 point meal (I did that once at Champps, but not a surprise seeing as we practically deep fry our healthiest items in butter) and instantly ruin everything I worked for the past week.
The fact is I don't have the intuition about food and restaurants to yet cope with these situations. I pretty much assume if its not grilled chicken and steamed veggies, I'm shooting myself in the foot. In high school I didn't do this to myself! Even in the midst of the eating disorder I found out that eating the Ranch Wrap at Champps or the Chicken Faja Salad with its deep fried shell (scuse my server slang on food items, habit) and not throwing it up would not hurt my numbers on the scale. I can even remember thinking wanting to go to Champps because the numbers would not be reflected otherwise. I come to find out I was eating 35-50 point meals?! Where's the sense in that! Even worse than restaurants... I came across my first party social situation on Sunday in which a buffet of food was sat before me and I mentally made note I was going to track the points. What I ate:
1 8 oz glass Apple Cider
3 Shrimp Cocktail with a small tip of Cocktail sauce
1/2 cup *guesstimation* cornbread stuffing
1 cup *guesstimation* broccoli salad
1 slice pork (trust me, small)
A plethora of raw veggies
And for dessert a slice of Angel Food Cake with fresh fruit (Pretty sure I've researched its fairly healthy)
Trying to mentally add up my points and knowing I was near and or over my daily 23 instantly turned my brain against me. It was decided right then and there I was done eating for the day. No ifs, and's or buts, I had burned my points for the day. Again, where's the sense in that? I didn't know that I was about to get a rocking workout serving that night, and even going to successfully do a 5 mile run after. I tried to be rational and say if my stomach's hungry I will eat dinner, knowing damn well I would not follow through. And although I wasn't overly hungry at the end of the day, I compromised with my boday and ate a 2 point granola bar while watching my favorite Sunday night show.
Sure enough the same stress crept on me today... I went out to eat with some fellow co-workers at Piada but had no idea what I was getting into nutrition wise. I settled on an angel hair pasta bowl with all veggies and a spicy sauce, and said it couldn't be more than 14 points, so I'd call it a day. I finished, worked out for 45 minutes (not because I felt I had to but because its on my race training schedule for today), and headed home. Alas, what greeted me at the door was not only my loyal Puggle Brutus, but fresh baked chocolate chip cookies as well (Thanks live in Fiance, I have a wedding dress to fit into, no delicious suprises!). The problem was, I declared at Piada I was done eating for the day, I had to stick to it, right?
Not if I could confirm through the powers of Google I had not eaten all my points for the day! I quickly took to the computer and searched, searched, and searched for 15 minutes for what I had eaten at Piada and how it was going to take a tole on my weekly points. All the while Chocolate Chip cookies are beckoning me from the stove. By the time I failed on the 14th website we get to the beginning of the story... I finally said f#%^ it, and just ate the damn chocolate chip cookie.
No, its not going to effect my weekly bonus points. No I'm not going to punish myself for it tomorrow. Yes, I worked out 45 minutes so I know I earned at least 4 points somewhere, and that's without including yesterday's hour long run. I am just going to eat the cookie, and enjoy every bit of its chocolatey goodness. I don't want to be a slave to this weight watchers system because I don't want to count points forever. I don't want to stress when I can't control every nutritional fact going into my mouth. I picked weight watchers because I felt it overall would improve my eating habits by teaching portion control and smart choices. I can't let my mind take over and run the system... that's just starting new bad habits!
My goal for this week: Research how to eat smart in restaurants when there is no nutrition information available. I have the "Eat This Not that Survival Restaurant Guide." Maybe its time to start using helpful resources at hand and not using a brain with its crazy ideas about skipping dinner...
Plus I'm glad I've come to this realization before the Holiday's... It would be diet suicide to try and count points Thanksgiving Day. I plan on doing exactly what I did with the cookie. Enjoying the time I have with it, as well as the gym time that follows.
 |
| My Delicious Chocolaty Foe, Hot from the Oven. |
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The First Day.
Disclaimer. I have been talking about vomiting and puke for the past 7 years and it no longer really phases me to do so. When you've put yourself through some of the situations I have you realize when you begin puking in essence you throw your dignity up with it. I really don't use a filter for this post for this is about the physical beginnings of Ed. No pressure what so ever to read beyond this paragraph, because I can see from an outside source how this could just be nasty.
I actually claimed to have an eating disorder before it actually happened. The problem was I really liked a guy, and I had a bit of damsel in distress going on. I figured maybe if he felt sorry for me and my problems, maybe he would like me more. In retrospect, it seems like a really stupid idea. None the less, at 16 years old after a Warped Tour concert I was sitting at a park with my two best guy friends. We were sipping on 3 dollar vodka and somehow the topic of messed up lives got brought up. My one friend, "J" knew that I had been struggling with depression and self image but "D" did not. Feeling overly confident from the vodka I told them both what I was feeling, and that I had started puking in an attempt to get some weight off. This was a Tuesday night.
By Sunday, this was a reality. I had spent all day at my Aunt's house eating junk, but for the most part enjoying the company of my family. No feelings attached to weight, or food, or anything else of the matter. It was after we left my Aunt's that my dad and sisters decided to meet my mom and some family friends at the pool where a cookout had been planned. I drove separate because I probably intended to meet "D" after. I wasn't that hungry when we got to the pool because I was still full from a day of junk, but before me sat so many food items that I just couldn't say no to. I couldn't help myself, I ate, and ate, and ate until I decided I needed to leave the pool. I hadn't heard from "D" so I drove back to my house where I had it to myself. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about all I had eaten and couldn't imagine getting on the scale the next day and seeing the results. Looking back here is the pivotal moment in my life where Ed entered in, this is the moment where I took matters into my own hands and never looked back. Remembering what I had told the boys that past Tuesday, I decided to give puking a whirl. I sat by my toilet and for the next 30 minutes attempted to get all my dinner to come up. It was hard. Forcing myself to throw up was not as easy as I had anticipated. Little bits would come up at a time after every few heaves and all I told myself was this wasn't good enough, my stomach had to be empty. It hurt, my stomach was in pain, but in the end I got a feeling I didn't expect... satisfaction. I expected relief, knowing that the scale wouldn't show the damage I had done with dinner, but Satisfaction? By emptying my stomach my body would have to get its nutrition elsewhere, by principal, it would have to lose weight. Could what I did really jump start my weight loss goals? That was August 22, 2004: I weighed approximately 173 pounds.
By May 27, 2005 I weighed 124. And so my battle with addiction began...
I actually claimed to have an eating disorder before it actually happened. The problem was I really liked a guy, and I had a bit of damsel in distress going on. I figured maybe if he felt sorry for me and my problems, maybe he would like me more. In retrospect, it seems like a really stupid idea. None the less, at 16 years old after a Warped Tour concert I was sitting at a park with my two best guy friends. We were sipping on 3 dollar vodka and somehow the topic of messed up lives got brought up. My one friend, "J" knew that I had been struggling with depression and self image but "D" did not. Feeling overly confident from the vodka I told them both what I was feeling, and that I had started puking in an attempt to get some weight off. This was a Tuesday night.
By Sunday, this was a reality. I had spent all day at my Aunt's house eating junk, but for the most part enjoying the company of my family. No feelings attached to weight, or food, or anything else of the matter. It was after we left my Aunt's that my dad and sisters decided to meet my mom and some family friends at the pool where a cookout had been planned. I drove separate because I probably intended to meet "D" after. I wasn't that hungry when we got to the pool because I was still full from a day of junk, but before me sat so many food items that I just couldn't say no to. I couldn't help myself, I ate, and ate, and ate until I decided I needed to leave the pool. I hadn't heard from "D" so I drove back to my house where I had it to myself. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed about all I had eaten and couldn't imagine getting on the scale the next day and seeing the results. Looking back here is the pivotal moment in my life where Ed entered in, this is the moment where I took matters into my own hands and never looked back. Remembering what I had told the boys that past Tuesday, I decided to give puking a whirl. I sat by my toilet and for the next 30 minutes attempted to get all my dinner to come up. It was hard. Forcing myself to throw up was not as easy as I had anticipated. Little bits would come up at a time after every few heaves and all I told myself was this wasn't good enough, my stomach had to be empty. It hurt, my stomach was in pain, but in the end I got a feeling I didn't expect... satisfaction. I expected relief, knowing that the scale wouldn't show the damage I had done with dinner, but Satisfaction? By emptying my stomach my body would have to get its nutrition elsewhere, by principal, it would have to lose weight. Could what I did really jump start my weight loss goals? That was August 22, 2004: I weighed approximately 173 pounds.
By May 27, 2005 I weighed 124. And so my battle with addiction began...
Monday, August 22, 2011
The First Time in 7 Years...
Its hard to imagine that 7 years ago today, I began my relationship with Ed. 7. Sixteen years old. It just doesn't seem so long ago, that a girl, desperate to not put on any more weight decided to take measures into her own hands. A girl, so tired of feeling ugly, and unworthy, and fat, decided the only way would be to start an addictive behavior that would shape the rest of her life. An addictive behavior that would shape how she saw herself, her mood, and her accomplishments, based on numbers, and jean sizes.
It's scary that I have done so many great things with my life and they all seemed insignificant when I would admit to myself I was still under the control of an Eating Disorder. I graduated college, I earned a masters degree, I became a great teacher, I found a husband, all while telling myself I needed to lose more weight and that's when I would finally be happy. It was finally when I put my eating disorder in check (on my terms, and when I was ready to kick Ed to the curb) that I realized how easier life was without it.
This blog has me slightly more emotional than I expected. For that reason I'm going to break the story of the development of Ed into several parts. Something I held on to so tightly, and for so long, just doesn't seem right to throw it together in one blog. Like it or not this has been a dominating factor in my life, and I intend to do it justice.
For the first time in 7 years I haven't looked at today as a failure, as another year under the control of an eating disorder. Today is a celebration. It's the first year in 7 that I haven't been a slave to my finger, but rather in control of my life and my eating habits.
It's scary that I have done so many great things with my life and they all seemed insignificant when I would admit to myself I was still under the control of an Eating Disorder. I graduated college, I earned a masters degree, I became a great teacher, I found a husband, all while telling myself I needed to lose more weight and that's when I would finally be happy. It was finally when I put my eating disorder in check (on my terms, and when I was ready to kick Ed to the curb) that I realized how easier life was without it.
This blog has me slightly more emotional than I expected. For that reason I'm going to break the story of the development of Ed into several parts. Something I held on to so tightly, and for so long, just doesn't seem right to throw it together in one blog. Like it or not this has been a dominating factor in my life, and I intend to do it justice.
For the first time in 7 years I haven't looked at today as a failure, as another year under the control of an eating disorder. Today is a celebration. It's the first year in 7 that I haven't been a slave to my finger, but rather in control of my life and my eating habits.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
One of those Days...
There is no doubt in my mind emotions are strongly attached to eating habits. When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm celebrating, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. But when I'm upset, I don't. Upset has been an emotion that has crept up on me these last few days. Now, while there is no rhyme or reason to what necessarily brought these emotions on, one thing that is clear to me is that it is having a significant effect on my appetite. In that, there is none. It has literaly been a fight with my body to consume more than 10 points in the past two days. By the end of dinner-time yesterday, I had consumed 5 points. By the end of dinner-time tonight, I had consumed 14. I told myself this is a redflag path, and having so little points in a day is going to mess with my head. I would hate for my brain to start telling my body its okay to eat so little. In essence that sends me to the other end of the eating disorder spectrum (which was the beginning of this whole debacal 7 years ago and was the gateway drug to bulimia). I physically forced myself to eat a 15 point snack at 11:45 last night, and just finished a 6 point snack to gain some ground for today. I know what will happen when I don't eat and I will not get a high from depriving myself of food. Good for me? Right? What now has me blogging is that I'm guilt tripping myself, and I'm just flat out upset. I guess the times can't always be good.
Although I am no where near a diagnosable doctor, part of me believes at one point in my life I should have looked into being diagnosed with depression. There isn't anything that really could have brought this feeling on. I came off a great weekend, haven't seen the scale in a few weeks, and was really happy with the way things were going. And then, bam, freight train, I suddenly am looking for excuses to feel blue, and can't think of a reason to put food in a belly that's not hungry. I honestly don't know what's harder... keeping down food that doesn't want to be there? Or putting food down that doesn't want to be there?
I live to fight another day, but I hope for better days then these.
Although I am no where near a diagnosable doctor, part of me believes at one point in my life I should have looked into being diagnosed with depression. There isn't anything that really could have brought this feeling on. I came off a great weekend, haven't seen the scale in a few weeks, and was really happy with the way things were going. And then, bam, freight train, I suddenly am looking for excuses to feel blue, and can't think of a reason to put food in a belly that's not hungry. I honestly don't know what's harder... keeping down food that doesn't want to be there? Or putting food down that doesn't want to be there?
I live to fight another day, but I hope for better days then these.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Pushing Past the Guilt
It was a common tale when Ed and I were at our strongest. I would try really really hard to be healthy, make right decisions, and eat properly. The problem was, the second I reached for a cookie (an average of about130 calories), or something cheesy, or even deep-fried, it was all downhill from there. I guilted myself and told myself eating it was a bad choice, and therefore it had to come up.
Although not quite on the same plane anymore (after nearly two months sober), these feelings of guilt are coming back. What I'm struggling with now is how the weight watchers system takes into account exercise points. Essentially what it comes down to is based on your weight and how intense your workout is, you gain points back depending on how long you conducted the activity. For example, something low, like mowing the lawn for 45 minutes, earns me 1 point back. But something more strenuous, like my 5 mile run on Monday for 47 minutes, earned me 6 points back. Where the guilt comes in is when I "cash" these points. According to weight watchers I'm only suppose to have between 22-24 points a day. On days where I do my 5 mile run though, I'm allowed to have up to 30 points a day. By eating 30 points, though, my mind is telling me something is wrong and I did something bad, hence the guilt begins to pile on. When I topped my daily allotted points last night after dinner I still had a late night snack that wasn't in any way shape or form healthy. I immediately regretted it, and made all these promises to myself how I would fix it the next day. But realistically, if I'm in my weekly allotted points, what am I doing wrong and why do I need to fix it?
In conclusion, I earned these points, but food for thought do I have to cash them in? Maybe its better for my weight loss plan if I didn't? Maybe I should just focus on the food points and the exercise points are just an extra push into my wedding dress. The only thing I know for sure is I want the guilt after a chocolate chip cookie to go away. I want to be happy with my decisions, not dwell on them.
Although not quite on the same plane anymore (after nearly two months sober), these feelings of guilt are coming back. What I'm struggling with now is how the weight watchers system takes into account exercise points. Essentially what it comes down to is based on your weight and how intense your workout is, you gain points back depending on how long you conducted the activity. For example, something low, like mowing the lawn for 45 minutes, earns me 1 point back. But something more strenuous, like my 5 mile run on Monday for 47 minutes, earned me 6 points back. Where the guilt comes in is when I "cash" these points. According to weight watchers I'm only suppose to have between 22-24 points a day. On days where I do my 5 mile run though, I'm allowed to have up to 30 points a day. By eating 30 points, though, my mind is telling me something is wrong and I did something bad, hence the guilt begins to pile on. When I topped my daily allotted points last night after dinner I still had a late night snack that wasn't in any way shape or form healthy. I immediately regretted it, and made all these promises to myself how I would fix it the next day. But realistically, if I'm in my weekly allotted points, what am I doing wrong and why do I need to fix it?
In conclusion, I earned these points, but food for thought do I have to cash them in? Maybe its better for my weight loss plan if I didn't? Maybe I should just focus on the food points and the exercise points are just an extra push into my wedding dress. The only thing I know for sure is I want the guilt after a chocolate chip cookie to go away. I want to be happy with my decisions, not dwell on them.
Monday, August 8, 2011
"And So Began my Love Affair with Water..."
Sorry for the huge gap in posting, I have been quite the jet setter these past three weeks and just finished a vacation to Torch Lake, Michigan. While breathtakingly beautiful this past week was, it had no Internet available to blog. I decided to throw creative caution to the wind this past week when it came to dieting. (A.K.A, I didn't follow any rules and simply just enjoyed myself; fresh fish, steaks, guacamole, alligator, Cajun food, oh my!) And to make sure these good feelings stick, I'm not allowed to weigh myself until next week after I've had a full week back of dieting and running training exercises. In the mean time, back to weight watchers!
But that's not what's on my mind today, I know how to combat the back from vacation eating blues. What is on my mind, after spending a week on a crystal clear lake, is water. As I've been tracking what I've been eating, and working out, and drinking alcohol wise, one thing I have noticed is that my diet really does lack water. It's not uncommon for me to skip water in general during a workout, and when I get home turn to a diet coke instead of a glass of water. And as I'm trying to figure out why my scale wasn't working with me these past few weeks I realized, could it be I'm skipping out on something as basic as water? So I decided to research it a bit, and surprise surprise, drinking water has weight loss benefits! Here's why... complements of http://www.mangosteen-natural-remedies.com/fat-loss-by-drinking-water.html
To lose fat, water is the key, apart from the proper diet choice and exercise. How does drinking water help in fat loss?
But that's not what's on my mind today, I know how to combat the back from vacation eating blues. What is on my mind, after spending a week on a crystal clear lake, is water. As I've been tracking what I've been eating, and working out, and drinking alcohol wise, one thing I have noticed is that my diet really does lack water. It's not uncommon for me to skip water in general during a workout, and when I get home turn to a diet coke instead of a glass of water. And as I'm trying to figure out why my scale wasn't working with me these past few weeks I realized, could it be I'm skipping out on something as basic as water? So I decided to research it a bit, and surprise surprise, drinking water has weight loss benefits! Here's why... complements of http://www.mangosteen-natural-remedies.com/fat-loss-by-drinking-water.html
To lose fat, water is the key, apart from the proper diet choice and exercise. How does drinking water help in fat loss?
- It curbs hunger: Water is a natural appetite suppressant. Insufficient fluid can lead to over eating. You brain does not differentiate between hunger and thirst. If there there is a slight dehydration the thirst mechanism may be mistaken for hunger and one may eat when the body is actually craving for water. In another word, when you think you are hungry, your body may in fact telling you that you are thirsty!
As most food contains some water, if you don't drink enough water, you may be subconsciously driven to eat more to gain the necessary water supply and as a result, you gain more calories and more weight! - Water makes you feel full. Because it is filling and calorie free, water is part of the solutions when it comes to weight loss and maintenance. Water takes up room in your stomach, making you feel full. This means you’ll eat less and feel less hungry.
- It replaces sugary drinks: A half-cup of fruit juice contains between 45 and 80 calories. Sodas, sugary drinks, shakes are all contain calories. By drinking them, you would be adding considerable number of calories. On the other hand water has zero calories. So, to replace sugary drinks and cut down on your calories, keep a glass of water in your hand and sip it instead of grabbing a mixed drink or any other type of drink.
- Water boosts your metabolism. The findings are reported in the December issue, 2003 of The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism. The researchers Michael Boschmann, MD, and colleagues from Berlin's Franz-Volhard Clinical Research Center tracked energy expenditures among seven men and seven women who were healthy and not overweight. The subjects, after drinking approximately 17 ounces of water, increases the rate of burning calories by 30% within the time frame of 30-40 minutes. If a person who increases his water consumption by 1.5 liters a day would burn an extra 17,400 calories, for a weight loss of approximately 5 pounds. Increase metabolism means increase the calorie burn and fat loss. This is how you can achieve fat loss by drinking water.
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| Torch Lake, Michigan |
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Happy Anniversary
And even the scale gave me an anniversary present this morning... it finally blinked and gave me what I wanted, a lower number! I guess success does happen when you rationally work out problems, and not just go to the cheapest, quickest fix. In your face, Ed!
A special thank you to one of my followers (you know who you are love muffin) who gave me guidance last night as a follow up to yesterday's blog. She suggested my diet lacked protein, which is crucial when trying to lose weight with a combination of working out. I learned by not having adequate protein in my diet fat is not being targeted when I work out, in fact, fat is being stored. Definitely not what I want. So, to fix the problem I had a delicious egg white and salsa breakfast with dry toast; and am heading to the store not to stock up on Greek yogurt! Yum!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Good Old Fashion Frustration
Frustrated. Actually, that's an understatement. I am more than frustrated. I know I feel like I am beating a dead horse but I am sick and tired of being in a stalemate with my scale. I KNOW the number don't necessarily show the work I have been doing but for Christ's sake, it's been a month and the number hasn't budged down since I started this blog. There is nothing left for me to feel except frustration, anger, and a scale that's lucky it hasn't been thrown out the window yet. I'm genuinely asking for help here: what am I doing wrong?!
Since departing ways with Ed I:
1. Eat breakfast, almost daily, therefore jump starting my metabolism. And I make sure I put a piece of fruit in it (example this morning: plain bagel and banana, yesterday: blueberries, cantaloupe, plain bagel)
2. Gave up beer. This worked for Michelle's wedding, so I know it can't be hindering the process.
3. Work out 5-6 days a week, incorporating strength training and running 2x-3x's longer than I have been able in my entire life (that's 4 to 6 miles a run! 40+ minutes on a treadmill!) I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and the working out has probably contributed to this lack of weight loss, but come on, give me something!
4. Made conscious decisions when I eat.... I hold the cheese, leave the bun off, skip the bacon, and among other things even order vegetarian instead of red meat (I love my bacon burgers, people!)
5. Cut back on the diet coke, and trust me, not easy.
I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I told myself the scale's probably about to budge... but that was a month ago!! At this rate I'm genuinely afraid I will not reach my goal weight... and that's 11 months away!
Phew... okay, there's my rant and vent. But that wasn't the whole point of this post. A part of this journey is realizing when I have a problem, I need to come up with a healthy solution. The only thing I can think of at the moment is that I really have strayed away from doing weight watchers. I guess I told myself if I'm running 3-6 miles every other day and working out on the days off, I could give myself some slack when counting points. I'm not saying I'm consuming 30+ points a day, but I know that I'm not keeping as good of track as I should be. So, this week as a trial basis, I'm going back on weight watchers full time. That's back to counting, back to measuring, and yes, back to counting alcohol. Maybe this time next week I will be happy to say I've found a solution to the problem.
A bonus to all of this is that even though I'm frustrated as hell, Ed hasn't found a way back into the picture. That's definitely something I haven't always been able to say. This truly is the end of my rope with frustrations, but the thought of puking doesn't even cross my mind. At this point, the idea of chucking up my food disgusts me. Perhaps this is like childhood asthma, maybe I've finally grown out of it. No matter what though, it's nice to say it's no longer an option, let alone even a choice.
Since departing ways with Ed I:
1. Eat breakfast, almost daily, therefore jump starting my metabolism. And I make sure I put a piece of fruit in it (example this morning: plain bagel and banana, yesterday: blueberries, cantaloupe, plain bagel)
2. Gave up beer. This worked for Michelle's wedding, so I know it can't be hindering the process.
3. Work out 5-6 days a week, incorporating strength training and running 2x-3x's longer than I have been able in my entire life (that's 4 to 6 miles a run! 40+ minutes on a treadmill!) I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and the working out has probably contributed to this lack of weight loss, but come on, give me something!
4. Made conscious decisions when I eat.... I hold the cheese, leave the bun off, skip the bacon, and among other things even order vegetarian instead of red meat (I love my bacon burgers, people!)
5. Cut back on the diet coke, and trust me, not easy.
I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I told myself the scale's probably about to budge... but that was a month ago!! At this rate I'm genuinely afraid I will not reach my goal weight... and that's 11 months away!
Phew... okay, there's my rant and vent. But that wasn't the whole point of this post. A part of this journey is realizing when I have a problem, I need to come up with a healthy solution. The only thing I can think of at the moment is that I really have strayed away from doing weight watchers. I guess I told myself if I'm running 3-6 miles every other day and working out on the days off, I could give myself some slack when counting points. I'm not saying I'm consuming 30+ points a day, but I know that I'm not keeping as good of track as I should be. So, this week as a trial basis, I'm going back on weight watchers full time. That's back to counting, back to measuring, and yes, back to counting alcohol. Maybe this time next week I will be happy to say I've found a solution to the problem.
A bonus to all of this is that even though I'm frustrated as hell, Ed hasn't found a way back into the picture. That's definitely something I haven't always been able to say. This truly is the end of my rope with frustrations, but the thought of puking doesn't even cross my mind. At this point, the idea of chucking up my food disgusts me. Perhaps this is like childhood asthma, maybe I've finally grown out of it. No matter what though, it's nice to say it's no longer an option, let alone even a choice.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Roadtrips from weight-gain hell
This picture will hopefully represent me in the next 48 hour period. Drinks, no shoes, no problems. It's clearly not this that has me anxious, its the process of getting TO vacation.
The thing about family road trips is the inevitability I'm going to get bored. And as tradition stands when someone gets bored my mom pulls out a brick of cheese and crackers, and even though we just ate an hour and a half ago, I find myself throat deep in cheese and cracker glory. Boredom with me for whatever reason triggers the need to eat. And not healthy eat, just eat. It doesn't matter if I'm on a road trip or lounging on my bed watching a Harry Potter marathon, once that feeling to eat (when I'm not hungry, mind you) comes on, I lose control. As well as gaining unneeded cheese and cracker calories, I've also gained shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I didn't need to eat those things, so why did I? I didn't need to eat them, but why did I eat the whole brick of cheese? Done. puke. So what do I do? How to I fight inevitable car-ride boredom?
I don't have answers, I just have a plan for tomorrow. Luckily I've caught this as a red flag day, so the best I can attempt to do is make a plan, and stick to it as best I can.
Game Plan: Mission Myrtle Beach Road trip
1. My good friend's birthday party is tonight, stay their late, have a good time, enjoy seeing friends you haven't seen in awhile. Go home, and when the alarm goes off to get in the car at 5:30a.m., sleep until we're in North Carolina.
2. McDonald's and Wendy's doesn't need to explode in my face, I've already looked up "healthier" meals in my "Eat This, Not That" Restaurant help book for when we stop for lunch. A meal at either one would only cost me 10 weight watchers points.
3. When the snacks come out, pull out either Harry Potter (which I decided to re-read after the epic last film) or another addicting novel I've brought along (Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Lost Symbol, etc). That way, I'm focused on literary cliffhangers instead of a come to life scene out of Anchorman (Baxter, you ate the WHOLE wheel of Cheese?! I'm not even mad, I'm impressed!).
4. When Harry Potter fails (gasp!), pop in gum. If anything, I'm hoping to trick my brain into the fact that chewing something is snack time, and it will fight off the urge to eat more.
Wish me luck! See you all in a week! (Unless we have Internet of course, then see you all sooner!)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Reward Day
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| I was creepin' on the woman giving me a pedi, and reading the top 10 worse divorces ever. |
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| Ta-da! Rewarded Feetsies! |
Next Goal... September 17th is the 15K run I have been training for in my spare time this summer (since I don't have a teaching job and lets face it, serving isn't exactly high stress outside the restaurant). If I can make it that far without giving into Ed (building on what I've done this past month), I reward myself with a full body massage. After all, its all about loving my new body, and rewarding it for running 9.3 miles!
By the way, I've recently let on to a few friends I've been keeping this blog. This is a whole new level of vulnerability for me since this is the most honest I've been with ANYBODY in years. Thanks for the comments and support guys <3 I chose you all for a reason!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
To Snack, or not to Snack, should I hold off till Dinner?
Pardon the anecdote, but today's blog was too ironic not to post. No joke, I'm driving to work today and pondering what I should blog about when I got back home. I couldn't think of much going on at the moment mentally with me (scale still sucks, pedicure's still coming up!), so I tried to think of something I struggle with outside the eating disorder. Duh, Snacking! I think to myself. Snacking is something I have never known how to do. I either make myself a meal's worth of food, or stick to a few carrot sticks and tell myself I'm full. Either really isn't a good option, and I feel its a lack of knowledge more than anything. Hell, two days ago I still felt like a seven year old, asking my fiance if what I had in front of me was an appropriate "snack." (String cheese and 10 peanut butter pretzels, it was.)
When I got home I decided I would search a few Internet sites on what they felt were helpful snacks that would get you through the day and would not derail my diet efforts. Although my diet efforts did not get derailed, my plans for searching the web did when I decided to go to the pool instead. But, stopping at the gas station I found an article in Shape magazine that instead gave 20 great low-cal tasty snacks, including CHOCOLATE! Yes, I can eat dark chocolate and not feel guilty! Here's what it said about snacking:
A worthy snack is:
*200 or fewer calories
*0 grams of trans fat and no more than 3.5 grams of saturated fat
*No high-fructose corn syrup
Ok, so I don't check high-fructose corn syrup as much as I should, but knowing a snack should be around 200 calories really helped! That IS a handful of pretzels and piece of string cheese! Or 12 tortilla chips and a scope of salsa!
The article pretty much broke it down into 4 snack categories: salty, crunchy, sweet and creamy:
Under salty my favorite pick was Snack Factory Sesame Pretzel Chips. At about 110 calories I would still have 90 calories to add something sweet and curb any cravings until dinner.
And the thing I loved the most about the article is I could still have my sweet and creamy treat (yes, ice cream! I guess dieting isn't so bad).
Hell, I could even have a fruit bar and buffalo pretzels and still be in the snack zone! If I used to see this much food as a snack, I assumed it was too much, and wrong, therefore: came up. This helps ease my mind, that I can eat larger "snacks" and still be in OK shape.
When I got home I decided I would search a few Internet sites on what they felt were helpful snacks that would get you through the day and would not derail my diet efforts. Although my diet efforts did not get derailed, my plans for searching the web did when I decided to go to the pool instead. But, stopping at the gas station I found an article in Shape magazine that instead gave 20 great low-cal tasty snacks, including CHOCOLATE! Yes, I can eat dark chocolate and not feel guilty! Here's what it said about snacking:
A worthy snack is:
*200 or fewer calories
*0 grams of trans fat and no more than 3.5 grams of saturated fat
*No high-fructose corn syrup
Ok, so I don't check high-fructose corn syrup as much as I should, but knowing a snack should be around 200 calories really helped! That IS a handful of pretzels and piece of string cheese! Or 12 tortilla chips and a scope of salsa!
The article pretty much broke it down into 4 snack categories: salty, crunchy, sweet and creamy:
Under salty my favorite pick was Snack Factory Sesame Pretzel Chips. At about 110 calories I would still have 90 calories to add something sweet and curb any cravings until dinner.
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| I found a Buffalo version of these snack chips in the store, and lord knows I love buffalo anything, so I wonder if they would still fit the ramifications? |
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| 70 Calories, 2 Points (WW+) |
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| I could get used to the idea of ice cream for a snack, especially chocolate and strawberry! Yum! |
Hell, I could even have a fruit bar and buffalo pretzels and still be in the snack zone! If I used to see this much food as a snack, I assumed it was too much, and wrong, therefore: came up. This helps ease my mind, that I can eat larger "snacks" and still be in OK shape.
The thing is, the more I am working out, and the smaller (more wholesome) my meals are, the more I am realizing my stomach needs to eat in between lunch and dinner. It's not a failure to my diet, its a boost to my metabolism. I think of it as a little Fast and the Furious punch of Nos, vroom! So next time my stomach rumbles at 3:45p.m. I'm not going to give it dinner, instead I will choose a healthy snack that will bridge my way through the afternoon and get me safely to dinner, diet intact.
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| Next up, Greek Yogurt! I've heard from multiple people this is a tasty treat that is super yummy and good for you! |
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Being my own Best Friend
Found this article on weight watchers today. It's definitely worth a read and teaches you tips on how to love yourself more. (Something I'm sure a lot of us could use) What's the saying go? You can't love others until you love yourself? Well what it's come down to me is I can't heal and fix this eating disorder until I learn to love myself as myself is. In the article I especially liked:
[2. Pay yourself a compliment every dayFocus on a different attribute — your clear complexion, pleasant voice, good fashion sense — and say out loud: "I love my ___." It may sound forced at first, but it's a useful counter to self-doubt.]
So many girls are they're own worse enemy. I know when someone tells me something positive about myself (wow, you look good! Your hair looks nice today!) I immediately take what they say, and flip it against myself. (I may look "good" but the scale says I gained two pounds, therefore I can't look good.) Why is it the person that should be my biggest fan (myself) is instead constantly critiquing the mirror looking for ways to make myself better?
This "bashing" is something I have done to myself my entire life. I did this when I was at my lowest weight, my highest weight, and everything in between. Guess which stage was the worse? The lowest. At 124 I told myself I'd be happy with another 4 pounds gone. Then maybe I could rock a bikini, then maybe my boyfriend would pay more attention to me, then maybe I'd fit into a size 4, then maybe then maybe then maybe.
It just went on, everyday was a new battle against myself. I was never happy, and constantly on the hook of Ed. I felt that if maybe my weight would drop to 120, everything else would just be gumdrops and candy canes.
I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but I know a huge part of fixing myself is being able to look in the mirror and go, "Wow! I love my ______." So following the advice of the article here is my daily complement to myself... I love my thighs, running has done wonders to them! Check out those muscles and that definition!
[2. Pay yourself a compliment every dayFocus on a different attribute — your clear complexion, pleasant voice, good fashion sense — and say out loud: "I love my ___." It may sound forced at first, but it's a useful counter to self-doubt.]
So many girls are they're own worse enemy. I know when someone tells me something positive about myself (wow, you look good! Your hair looks nice today!) I immediately take what they say, and flip it against myself. (I may look "good" but the scale says I gained two pounds, therefore I can't look good.) Why is it the person that should be my biggest fan (myself) is instead constantly critiquing the mirror looking for ways to make myself better?
This "bashing" is something I have done to myself my entire life. I did this when I was at my lowest weight, my highest weight, and everything in between. Guess which stage was the worse? The lowest. At 124 I told myself I'd be happy with another 4 pounds gone. Then maybe I could rock a bikini, then maybe my boyfriend would pay more attention to me, then maybe I'd fit into a size 4, then maybe then maybe then maybe.
It just went on, everyday was a new battle against myself. I was never happy, and constantly on the hook of Ed. I felt that if maybe my weight would drop to 120, everything else would just be gumdrops and candy canes.
I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, but I know a huge part of fixing myself is being able to look in the mirror and go, "Wow! I love my ______." So following the advice of the article here is my daily complement to myself... I love my thighs, running has done wonders to them! Check out those muscles and that definition!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Back to Reality
The first day after a holiday, the first day back from vacation, the first day after a day long binge fest...
THOSE are my hardest days. Not the holiday's or the vacations themselves. For some reason I have it in my head that I am allowed to consume huge portions of rich delicious foods on holidays and vacations and my eating disorder does not even blink an eye. I went 9 full days on an all you can eat and drink Caribbean cruise and never once did it cross my mind to purposefully get "seasick." It's the day after that always kills me. I try to starve myself, and when that fails I eat all the leftovers to get them out of the house and throw them up. This has been a pattern I'm not so proud of when I'm not in control. Since starting this blog, though, and being in control, the 4th of July was my first real test. And trust me, the eating disorder forced me to fight. That's because, though, of the way I have always viewed holiday's and other special days in the year.
The way I see it, I use to give myself "free" days. Days where dieting didn't count, that I would worry about the results and work it off when the free day was done. Well, now looking at it... (for 2011 alone) Free days have added up to...
17 Holidays per year I celebrate with food (with 2 days for Thanksgiving and 4 for Christmas)
36 Vacation days I plan on throwing food caution to the wind and enjoying my time away from Columbus, Ohio
8 Birthdays I'll indulge in celebratory cake eating (and other not so good for me goodies)
... and I'll guess about 15 or so days that simply are not accounted for (Tailgates, Weddings, Gatherings in general)
That comes down to 76 days a year I don't care what I'm putting in my mouth. Kind of puts it into perspective when I figure I struggle losing weight, huh? Now I'm not saying you should be counting calories on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or at your 5 star Italian dinner on a Caribbean Cruise (best veal chop, ever.) What I'm saying is 76 is a very large number, and doesn't really make for a good excuse to throw a diet out the window. So what if you passed on desert for Labor day? Statistics show the next "celebratory" event is 18.25 days away! Get dessert then! Pick and chose your battles. Maybe throw caution to the wind for Thanksgiving, but really make smart choices for the first Holiday party. What it comes down to then is those 45 high alert days in the year that follow the 76 care free days won't be as hard to deal with.
Now did I follow this last week on my mini 4th of July Vacation to Hocking Hills? Kind of. I did great the first 2 days, worked out like I should of, and then just, gave up. But now that I see these days can be a killer to my dieting success, it's time to put them in prospective. First test coming up next Saturday!
And for the record... I didn't check the scale, and I didn't mess with my goal (...Sidebar.... 6 days and counting until my self deserved pedicure!) I jumped right back into eating healthy and working out. So although I didn't follow my rules so great last week, at least the hardest days came and went like they should.
THOSE are my hardest days. Not the holiday's or the vacations themselves. For some reason I have it in my head that I am allowed to consume huge portions of rich delicious foods on holidays and vacations and my eating disorder does not even blink an eye. I went 9 full days on an all you can eat and drink Caribbean cruise and never once did it cross my mind to purposefully get "seasick." It's the day after that always kills me. I try to starve myself, and when that fails I eat all the leftovers to get them out of the house and throw them up. This has been a pattern I'm not so proud of when I'm not in control. Since starting this blog, though, and being in control, the 4th of July was my first real test. And trust me, the eating disorder forced me to fight. That's because, though, of the way I have always viewed holiday's and other special days in the year.
The way I see it, I use to give myself "free" days. Days where dieting didn't count, that I would worry about the results and work it off when the free day was done. Well, now looking at it... (for 2011 alone) Free days have added up to...
17 Holidays per year I celebrate with food (with 2 days for Thanksgiving and 4 for Christmas)
36 Vacation days I plan on throwing food caution to the wind and enjoying my time away from Columbus, Ohio
8 Birthdays I'll indulge in celebratory cake eating (and other not so good for me goodies)
... and I'll guess about 15 or so days that simply are not accounted for (Tailgates, Weddings, Gatherings in general)
That comes down to 76 days a year I don't care what I'm putting in my mouth. Kind of puts it into perspective when I figure I struggle losing weight, huh? Now I'm not saying you should be counting calories on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or at your 5 star Italian dinner on a Caribbean Cruise (best veal chop, ever.) What I'm saying is 76 is a very large number, and doesn't really make for a good excuse to throw a diet out the window. So what if you passed on desert for Labor day? Statistics show the next "celebratory" event is 18.25 days away! Get dessert then! Pick and chose your battles. Maybe throw caution to the wind for Thanksgiving, but really make smart choices for the first Holiday party. What it comes down to then is those 45 high alert days in the year that follow the 76 care free days won't be as hard to deal with.
Now did I follow this last week on my mini 4th of July Vacation to Hocking Hills? Kind of. I did great the first 2 days, worked out like I should of, and then just, gave up. But now that I see these days can be a killer to my dieting success, it's time to put them in prospective. First test coming up next Saturday!
And for the record... I didn't check the scale, and I didn't mess with my goal (...Sidebar.... 6 days and counting until my self deserved pedicure!) I jumped right back into eating healthy and working out. So although I didn't follow my rules so great last week, at least the hardest days came and went like they should.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Change for the Better
My success story has more to do with controlling my eating habits. In the end it's going to be a success story of a self makeover of mind, body, and soul.
Today I worked on my body. I've recently started up a running program that will end with a 15K race this upcoming September at the Cinncinnati Octoberfest. Other than the initial suprise of actually being capable of running 4 miles, I'm learning to actually ENJOY running! I'm finding it easier to wake up, go to the gym, and turn out a run that as of 3 months ago, I couldn't do! My fiance and I are taking a long weekend at his family's home in Hocking Hills, so this morning I went for a quick 2 mile run. It's hard not to enjoy running when you have scenery like this to look at on your journey!
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Today I worked on my body. I've recently started up a running program that will end with a 15K race this upcoming September at the Cinncinnati Octoberfest. Other than the initial suprise of actually being capable of running 4 miles, I'm learning to actually ENJOY running! I'm finding it easier to wake up, go to the gym, and turn out a run that as of 3 months ago, I couldn't do! My fiance and I are taking a long weekend at his family's home in Hocking Hills, so this morning I went for a quick 2 mile run. It's hard not to enjoy running when you have scenery like this to look at on your journey!
As well as, I'm actually starting to enjoy the results running is having on my body. Yes, the scale is giving me no love; but, I see myself leaner, more fit, and am actually LOVING my new curves. This is a mindset I have not had in awhile, and along with enjoying my new found love of running, I'm enjoying this new mindset.
Happy Birthday America and have a safe 4th of July!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Setting My Head Straight
Forewarning, this entry is a smorgasbord of events and ideas! Not my most coherent post, but all very valuable to me.
A sign of success is when you don't give in, even at your lowest. I am proud to say I have not given in this week to my good friend ED (ED is a codename between my friends and I for an eating disorder, the personified version of an abusive boyfriend who makes awkward conversations in public socially acceptable). There have been times my head has really not been screwed on straight, and I really just wanted to indulge.
In fact, the steps were even laid for me last night. Out to eat with some friends at our weekly trivia night I shared a plate of Chicken Nachos and a pitcher of Sangria's with my good friend as well as had a kids Sunday to myself. To get an idea of the stress I put on my body, check out this menu ! I didn't even think it was possible to put triple digit fat content in items, but clearly I was wrong. In weeks past I would consume such amounts of food and dispel it an hour later. Just for the pure reason I didn't want to see the consequences of my actions on the scale. But I knew what I got myself into last night, and knew I would have to deal with the consequences in a manner that still enabled me to get to my pedicure.
So I decided today I was going to workout for an hour to cancel out last nights damage. I wouldn't weep over what I had done, instead enjoy the food, company, and hit the gym a little longer the next day. In the back of my mind, though, when I made this desicion I also decided food would not be a part of the plan. But this isn't Kosher and just has red flags appearing all over the place!
How can I say I'm making progress if I'm deciding to starve myself the next day for eating too much the day before? I can't even tell you how many times I did this to myself in years past that left me angry, bitter, and upset when I gave into the fact I was HUNGRY. It's just another form of another eating disorder. The good part is I recognized that this was NOT helpful, that my body needed to eat EACH day and instead had a great lunch after my 675 calorie workout that left me feeling full and satisfied.
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We ate at a health(iesh) breakfast diner called First Watch. Maybe its just me, but this just LOOKS healthy. The pictures shows what I ate: 3 egg omelet with avocado, salsa and bacon; fruit cup, and a dry English muffin with jelly. For dinner I plan on making a large salad and will essentially call it a day!
Quick! What does these pictures have in common?
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A sign of success is when you don't give in, even at your lowest. I am proud to say I have not given in this week to my good friend ED (ED is a codename between my friends and I for an eating disorder, the personified version of an abusive boyfriend who makes awkward conversations in public socially acceptable). There have been times my head has really not been screwed on straight, and I really just wanted to indulge.
In fact, the steps were even laid for me last night. Out to eat with some friends at our weekly trivia night I shared a plate of Chicken Nachos and a pitcher of Sangria's with my good friend as well as had a kids Sunday to myself. To get an idea of the stress I put on my body, check out this menu ! I didn't even think it was possible to put triple digit fat content in items, but clearly I was wrong. In weeks past I would consume such amounts of food and dispel it an hour later. Just for the pure reason I didn't want to see the consequences of my actions on the scale. But I knew what I got myself into last night, and knew I would have to deal with the consequences in a manner that still enabled me to get to my pedicure.
So I decided today I was going to workout for an hour to cancel out last nights damage. I wouldn't weep over what I had done, instead enjoy the food, company, and hit the gym a little longer the next day. In the back of my mind, though, when I made this desicion I also decided food would not be a part of the plan. But this isn't Kosher and just has red flags appearing all over the place!
How can I say I'm making progress if I'm deciding to starve myself the next day for eating too much the day before? I can't even tell you how many times I did this to myself in years past that left me angry, bitter, and upset when I gave into the fact I was HUNGRY. It's just another form of another eating disorder. The good part is I recognized that this was NOT helpful, that my body needed to eat EACH day and instead had a great lunch after my 675 calorie workout that left me feeling full and satisfied.
Quick! What does these pictures have in common?
Yes, they are all examples of beer. But they are also examples of what I am giving up for the next year. Today marks the one year point until I am a married woman and my year + dieting plan concludes. Don't get me wrong, I love my beer. But this is one sacrifice I feel I need to make to really kick start my weight loss plan. I did this over the 09-10 school year for my best friends wedding, and had a lot of success. But I didn't reach my goal weight. So this time, and since it's MY wedding, I've decided to give up beer for an entire year. Crazy? or Commitment? Time will tell.
Food for thought: I came across this article the other day and it really got me thinking: Why are people uncomfortable sharing what they weight? I, personally, am no different. In fact, the only time I verbalize this number is after massive amounts of Captain and diet coke. You've read my struggles with the scale, and what that struggle basically comes down to is the fear of a number. But this article hit home, and really took the "scary" out of sharing this information. I'll take the first baby step, although I'm not comfortable sharing my current weight, I will share my goal weight: 135. One year and counting to reach that weight!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I could kill the scale.
Sorry for the lack of posts but due to my more than inconsistent internet access, this blog has been forced to take an undesired backseat.
This week has been more than hard. I'm trying really hard to ignore what my scale says, and partially its because I'm playing f*ck f*ck games with it. By this, I step on the scale and see the number. If I don't like the number, I balance on one foot slowly adding weight to the scale until I can get it to stop on a more appropriate number. I repeat until I think I have my scale fooled, and the number looks better to me. Is this productive towards weight loss? No. Does it make me happy? Yes. But in the back of my mind I know it's only temporary because I have given myself a false, inaccurate reading of what I weight.
I came to the self realization then that although I am far enough along in my recovery that I am capable of keeping a scale in my presence (something that took me almost 4 years to do, but more on that journey later) maybe I shouldn't be weighing myself everyday. Maybe it would be healthier for my menal health (and less stressful on my emotional state) to simply weight myself once a week, maybe Thursdays before the weekend begins, or Monday's to hold me accountable for them. This way, I don't guilt trip myself when I eat an extra serving of chips knowing that I could see it on the scale tomorrow. Instead I'll focus on amping my workout, and it probably won't show the next week. Stay tuned to see how this next realization works out.
This week has been more than hard. I'm trying really hard to ignore what my scale says, and partially its because I'm playing f*ck f*ck games with it. By this, I step on the scale and see the number. If I don't like the number, I balance on one foot slowly adding weight to the scale until I can get it to stop on a more appropriate number. I repeat until I think I have my scale fooled, and the number looks better to me. Is this productive towards weight loss? No. Does it make me happy? Yes. But in the back of my mind I know it's only temporary because I have given myself a false, inaccurate reading of what I weight.
I came to the self realization then that although I am far enough along in my recovery that I am capable of keeping a scale in my presence (something that took me almost 4 years to do, but more on that journey later) maybe I shouldn't be weighing myself everyday. Maybe it would be healthier for my menal health (and less stressful on my emotional state) to simply weight myself once a week, maybe Thursdays before the weekend begins, or Monday's to hold me accountable for them. This way, I don't guilt trip myself when I eat an extra serving of chips knowing that I could see it on the scale tomorrow. Instead I'll focus on amping my workout, and it probably won't show the next week. Stay tuned to see how this next realization works out.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
My Love Hate Relationship
Here's pretty much what I felt like this morning and it is by far the most frustrating part of dieting. You're doing EVERYTHING right and yet the scale just isn't showing you the results your looking for. Even worse, the scale's saying you've made backwards progress. Hurumph! What a bad start to my day.
These are the cases I struggle with the most. In the past if the scale wasn't giving me the glorification I believed I was entitled to I usually just let myself be happy and eat whatever and as much as I want. Then it came up. Talk about backwards progress! What I didn't realize is I was essentially restarting my metabolism every time this happened. I'm not 17 anymore, my metabolism is not an Olympic runner. (It never was, but I definitely know it has slowed down.) Every time I took such an action I was making it harder on my body to heal and as a result delaying the weight losing process. These are facts I've known quite sometime, so why as of three days ago was I still giving in?
This is where i decided I need goals. Yeah losing weight and being healthy is great, but I needed something I could really hold onto, really make a promise to myself and reward myself when I kept it. My long term obvious goal is to reach this magical number I've selected in my head that I want to weight for my wedding (it's actually my pre-college weight). But I'm human, I like being spoiled, so how the hell am I suppose to hold on for a year? Even looking "ideal" for my engagement pictures are not enough. They are pictures, and although I want to look fabulous in them, they're not enough to hold as a reward. So what I decided to do (and made this promise when I started this blog) is that if I held my promise to stay "healthy" until July 16 (the day we leave for our family vacation to Myrtle Beach) I will reward myself with a full blown pedicure, something that I rarely reward myself with except for special occasions. This way, I treat myself, my body, and revel in the fact I DID IT.
So what did I do today? I saw a number that nearly drove me to tears and only triggered anger and frustration. I threw a fit, I threw the scale. But I did not give into old ways. Instead I accepted the number, tried to make a realization why the number was there (probably muscle weight I've been gaining due to the fact I'm training for a 15K), did a 30 minute cycle workout, and made a healthier version of my favorite lunch. Will the number be gone tomorrow? Who knows. But at least I haven't jeopardized my pedicure, or my journey to success.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Surviving the Salad Bar
One part of my diet that has come as the most shock to me is that I get these uncontrollable cravings for fresh produce. (Sidebar, I once ate a can of green beans and only a can of green beans for lunch because it sounded tasty, that was a humorous dieting low for me.) As well as one aspect of the eating disorder that still pulls at me is the desire to eat large quantities of food just because it's in front of you. So today, I did just that for lunch, I combined both.
But, before you judge, here's how I have learned to curb the desire for the food to come back up. I literary ate a POUND of salad from the local chain grocery store. While at the store I quickly realized how out of control, and how fattening a salad bar can get. My healthy intentions were suddenly being tempted by mounds of blue cheese, bacon, croutons, and a variety of candied nuts my fiance suggested I should add to my "salad" that would quickly rival a McDonald's Big Mac meal. Hell, even one of those items has the potential to crash a super healthy intention. So what I did instead was pile on what I knew was good for me. I knew that all veggies on the Weight Watchers points system (I follow the old system, not the knew points Plus system) were 0 points so I added piles of mixed greens, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, red onions, broccoli, mushrooms and my ever favorite, banana peppers. The result? A delightful lunch that left me feeling full and guilt free.
The large salad left me able to enjoy some left over pizza I took home with me from the night before and Bing bang boom, I'm full, HAPPY, and have probably only used 10 of my 23 points for the day. When I got home I found this helpful Salad Bar tool online that lets you create a salad and then gives you the nutritional information at the end. The only downfall is it leaves a lot of ingredients out that are on a typical salad bar (mushrooms) and some that I just can't live without (banana peppers). But, until I find a better tool it is quite helpful.
Happy Salad-baring! (I also used Fat-Free Ranch Dressing- 1 Weight Watcher point)
But, before you judge, here's how I have learned to curb the desire for the food to come back up. I literary ate a POUND of salad from the local chain grocery store. While at the store I quickly realized how out of control, and how fattening a salad bar can get. My healthy intentions were suddenly being tempted by mounds of blue cheese, bacon, croutons, and a variety of candied nuts my fiance suggested I should add to my "salad" that would quickly rival a McDonald's Big Mac meal. Hell, even one of those items has the potential to crash a super healthy intention. So what I did instead was pile on what I knew was good for me. I knew that all veggies on the Weight Watchers points system (I follow the old system, not the knew points Plus system) were 0 points so I added piles of mixed greens, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, red onions, broccoli, mushrooms and my ever favorite, banana peppers. The result? A delightful lunch that left me feeling full and guilt free.
The large salad left me able to enjoy some left over pizza I took home with me from the night before and Bing bang boom, I'm full, HAPPY, and have probably only used 10 of my 23 points for the day. When I got home I found this helpful Salad Bar tool online that lets you create a salad and then gives you the nutritional information at the end. The only downfall is it leaves a lot of ingredients out that are on a typical salad bar (mushrooms) and some that I just can't live without (banana peppers). But, until I find a better tool it is quite helpful.
Happy Salad-baring! (I also used Fat-Free Ranch Dressing- 1 Weight Watcher point)
Friday, June 24, 2011
I want to be a success story
A toast... to Day 1 sober.
It seems every time I try an online "food journal" of sorts I always find my way back to my Xanga page. Case in point, I didn't even know I tried an online journal before and came across a Xanga page I had created about two summers ago. It was horrifying to read what I had written. (Think now, why I'm not using it!) Here was a girl who knew what was wrong for her (an eating disorder) but entries riddled with everything that said I'm not going to stop it. Words dripped with anger, pessimism, and an over all whatever happens, it didn't matter.
But that was two summers ago, and this is now. I'm matured in that I know I need an outlet to vent on, express my frustrations, failures, and moments of weakness. But I also know now that not only do I not want to be a slave to an eating disorder that has consumed various parts of my life for nearly 7 years; but that an eating disorder also DOESN'T WORK. The turning point really has been I could continue in my old ways, but its not showing any effect on the scale. Sticking to a PLAN, EXERCISE, a stable mindset, those are things that work. I know this is not a switch or a cold cut process. I want it to be! But I know its not. So here I am, in a stable mind saying this is it.
I've been following Weight Watchers fairly closely for the past 5 months or so and constantly read success stories of individuals who have lost 10, 20, 50 even 100 pounds. Their stories are simply inspiring! I can't get enough of them!
But guess what... It's my turn to be a success story ... and you have the pleasure of following me along that journey.
It seems every time I try an online "food journal" of sorts I always find my way back to my Xanga page. Case in point, I didn't even know I tried an online journal before and came across a Xanga page I had created about two summers ago. It was horrifying to read what I had written. (Think now, why I'm not using it!) Here was a girl who knew what was wrong for her (an eating disorder) but entries riddled with everything that said I'm not going to stop it. Words dripped with anger, pessimism, and an over all whatever happens, it didn't matter.
But that was two summers ago, and this is now. I'm matured in that I know I need an outlet to vent on, express my frustrations, failures, and moments of weakness. But I also know now that not only do I not want to be a slave to an eating disorder that has consumed various parts of my life for nearly 7 years; but that an eating disorder also DOESN'T WORK. The turning point really has been I could continue in my old ways, but its not showing any effect on the scale. Sticking to a PLAN, EXERCISE, a stable mindset, those are things that work. I know this is not a switch or a cold cut process. I want it to be! But I know its not. So here I am, in a stable mind saying this is it.
I've been following Weight Watchers fairly closely for the past 5 months or so and constantly read success stories of individuals who have lost 10, 20, 50 even 100 pounds. Their stories are simply inspiring! I can't get enough of them!
But guess what... It's my turn to be a success story ... and you have the pleasure of following me along that journey.
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